G.R Email / Dearest Chloe

Dearest Chloe,
It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.

Kindly, Gabrial.

PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.

Day 14: Senior Year at a new school

Written by Julia Smith

Dear Vodka

First week at a new school was … can I say? I was the shiny new toy in the preschool game room that everyone wanted to play with. Despite the fact that my nerves were shot, I felt really positive and ready to take on this new journey. Theo offered to pick me up along with Ellie whom he regularly dropped off at school every day before he went to university. It made me feel a load better knowing that Ellie would be at my side. I called Chloe before I left just to check in. I told her all about Theo and Ellie. She promised to see me soon. I can’t wait to see her. For now, though, my new friends were doing a pretty good job at keeping me happy. What more could I ask for? Life is great. I asked Ellie if we could look for Aiden. The moment I said his name, her coffee went from near-ingestion to on-the-floor-in-a-nice-brown-puddle-of-shock! I was confused until she started interrogating me about how I knew ‘The Aiden Clark.’ What? Apparently, Aiden is super popular and no one infiltrates his group but his close friends, which is three guys named Matt, Jonah and Connor. Who knew? Oh well, he’ll probably act as if I don’t exist if he bumps into me at school. Ellie warned me to stay away from him. It’s not because he’s some bad boy or anything; she just said that whoever gets close to Aiden ends up either going mental or dead. Okay. Hold the phone. Seriously? That’s a bit much! However, Ellie told me that Aiden’s parents both died in a fatal car crash of which he was the only survivor. Also, his best friend was treated for mirror-touch synaesthesia and because Aiden played lacrosse and got injured all the time, his best friend could feel his pain. It eventually drove him crazy. Literally. I couldn’t stop thinking about Aiden. He must feel pretty crap about what people say about him. Why didn’t he tell me any of this? I think I know why. Aiden didn’t know that we were going to be attending the same school. That would mean that he didn’t mind having me around. I suppose Matt, Jonah and Connor are really special if they’re around him all the time. I still think, however, that just because those horrible things happened to his parents and his best friend, it doesn’t make Aiden a bad person. It simply means that he has been very unfortunate. I’ll understand if he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. It will break my heart a bit too. Ciao for now! XOX


Me and my big mouth

This hasn’t been the easiest week for me.

It’s been freezing cold again and with most of my body fat gone my teeth are rattling most of the day. I’ve started getting strange looks and whispers but I don’t care much. Gossip all you want. Only means I’m THAT important.

Mom and dad have been at me all week. I’ve had two counselling sessions and been for a full body work up this week. If someone tells me I need to eat just one more time I think I’ll stop eating just to spite them. I just don’t see the point in putting all that into my body. Mom made me watch To The Bone on Netflix. I rolled my eyes a lot. Why does everyone seem to think I have anorexia? Why does my lifestyle need to be labelled? So I’m very conscientious of a number of calories I put in my body. It doesn’t mean I have or will ever be anorexic.

I tried explaining that to my counsellor who then told me ‘If that is how you feel Chloe, then you need to tell me. It’s the only way we are going to be able to get to the bottom of this.’

Sometimes I just want to look him in the face and ask him if he’s happy to have ruined my life? I was such a normal happy human being before he walked in all beautiful and confused. I gave him my virginity and he tossed me aside like I was meaningless. Am I meaningless? Is this what I’m trying to achieve? Meaning?

I tried finding Noah – which I did. He just appeared, said: Chloe and then pulled his half of the science project out of a folder. So I gave him my full report. He casually weighed it in his hands before cocking his eyebrow at the fact that I’d had the grace to credit him for my work. After a good ten minutes, we both handed each project back but he said I could do whatever I wanted with his. I don’t know if he was angry because I’d done our assignment by myself but then he should have answered one of my many emails or messages. Noah can grow up and talk to me whenever he feels like it again. I’m not going to grovel at another mans’ feet again.

But maybe just one mans.

Dad has been by my side this whole week. He has stopped running with me in the morning. We’ve been having breakfast every morning. Just the two of us. He watches my every bite and it makes me want to throw up just so we can stop this charade but I know that is going to destroy our fragile relationship. He just said that he thought we were making progress. He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do.

I said: Please dad, don’t give up on me.

Then he folded me into his arms.

Day 13: Sunday Lunch with the Familià

Dear Vodka

I woke up extra early this morning and sneaked into Mum and Dad’s room. The sun was just rising and I convinced Mum to walk down to the beach with me in her sleepy state. Dad was already up, fixing a pipe under the kitchen sink. Dad has his own plumbing business. He would always joke about me taking over the business and Mum would cover my ears, whispering into them that princesses don’t do such things. I wonder if she still thinks I’m her princess.

Mum was okay with me inviting Theo and Ellie over for lunch. In fact, she drove straight to the supermarket after I asked. She looked excited. She looked alive and healthy. She looked like my Mum. We sat on the beach in complete silence at first. After about two minutes, Mum burst into tears. I noticed the few grey streaks in her long strawberry blonde hair. I noticed the veins in her hands as she put her hand in mine and kissed it over and over again, repeating the word ‘sorry.’ I began to cry too. I embraced Mum and I could feel the bones in her back through her clothes. She’d lost a lot of weight ever since I moved out. We sat on the beach for quite a while, pouring our hearts out; allowing our tears to fall onto the sand and watching as it made splotches in the sand. It was therapeutic.

I now know why Mum’s been so distant all these years. Mum had quite the life as a teenager before she met Dad. She was a wild flower, partying day and night. She was rebellious. She lived in the moment, too afraid to think of what the future would bring. When Mum turned sixteen her dad died of a heart attack. It was sudden and it completely tore her apart. He was her favourite person. She blamed herself for not spending enough time with him. For abandoning her relationship with him because she wanted to be a teenager and ‘live life.’ She slipped into depression.

When I was born, Mum still had that hurt inside of her and she resented bringing me into this world ever since. As a result, she suffered from postnatal depression. She was afraid that I’d turn out like her. She said that I reminded her so much of herself and she couldn’t bear to watch me grow up into the person she was. That’s why she pulled away.

I was shocked. All these years I’ve been my mother’s biggest fear. All these years I’ve resented her for something she had no control over. Mum asked for my forgiveness but I simply embraced her and said ‘sorry.’ We walked back to the house which was one road away from the beach. Thomas and I helped Dad prepare lunch while Mum made dessert. In our household, Dad’s the cook. The only thing Mum’s good at in the kitchen is making dessert. For the first time, I felt like I belonged. I felt a sense of home in my own home.

Theo and Ellie arrived just as we were finishing up. Theo helped me set the table while Ellie entertained Thomas with her talk about electrical engineering. Apparently, Ellie wants to study electrical engineering in England. It came as a complete shock to Thomas who is studying industrial engineering in England. I reckon they’ll get along well even though Ellie’s my age. Theo is three years older than me but age doesn’t matter in our family really. Mum is eight years younger than Dad anyway.

Lunch was delicious and the conversation was pleasant. It was like heaven having my family and friends all in one place. Mum was extra happy and open. She told us about how she met Dad while Dad shot carrots at Mum, telling her that she was embarrassing him. Mum simply laughed and continued with the story. After lunch, we played a game of Scrabble and I won. Obviously!

Ellie, Thomas and Theo and I took a walk on the beach whilst Mum and Dad tidied up in the kitchen, reminiscing over their younger years. It just happens to be my luck that Ellie attends the same school as me. Yippee! Theo studies Applied Chemistry at the local university. They live like ten minutes away from Mum and Dad’s. Guess I’m moving back in!



Day 12: A Little Bit of Sunshine

Dear Vodka

No one likes to wake up early on the weekend, especially when it’s your last weekend before school starts. However, if I was going to keep up my yoga routine, I’d have to make the sacrifice. Plus, today was my first group therapy session. I felt kind of anxious but also really excited. I was silently praying as my dad (Paul) drove me to the youth centre three blocks away from our house that it wasn’t going to be anything like it was in the movies. Little did I know that the universe has a funny way of making things happen!

A refreshment station was set up at the entrance of the meeting room. I poured myself a glass of mango juice since there was still some time left before the session started. If there was one thing I valued, it was being punctual.  As I turned, someone bumped into me. I looked down at my jeans, which was completely drenched in juice. I looked up in horror at the person standing in front of me. It wasn’t just any person, might I add. It was a gorgeous being with the softest-looking head of shoulder-length medium-brown curls. The sunlight creeping in through the windows above shone on his tan skin, emphasising the strong curve of his jaw. The sunlight made his eyes appear almost cat-like. They were a beautiful green, almost olive. I quickly apologised, realising that I must have been staring at him for a bit too long. I couldn’t help but stumble over my words as I apologised. He quickly put me out of my misery when he introduced himself as Theo. I was about to introduce myself when a girl who looked related to Theo came running in our direction. She was beautiful, with her dark hair set against her olive skin. She is just about my height. If it weren’t for her big round brown eyes, I’d say she looks exactly like Pocahontas.

The session was complete poppycock. The only thing that made it bearable was Theo, who sat across from me. He kept on glancing my way, making weird faces. I couldn’t contain my laughter and at one point, I burst out into laughter. The coordinator then realised that there was a new member in the group and I was forced to introduce myself. I soon learnt that the girl was indeed Theo’s sister. Her name is Ellie. Even her name is beautiful. Geez! I might just fall in love with her but not in that way. She just has this radiance about herself. Like a ray of sunshine in the dark. I couldn’t understand what they were doing at group therapy but I soon learnt that their mom, who just happened to be a therapist, thought that it would be healthy for them.

They invited me over for Sunday lunch next week. I figured I’d return the favour and invite them over for lunch tomorrow. Fingers crossed. I hope I can figure things out with Mum before then.

I guess you could say that I had a positively successful day today. I feel so happy. So content and fulfilled. This is the start of all things great, Vodka!



Chloe Diary Novel: Honesty Sunday

I asked mom for some time to be just us.

Then I dropped the bomb that I’ve been dishonest about my eating habits. She was confused because she does the surprise weigh ins and bedroom checks. I felt forced to explain to her that I’d been burying my food in the back yard. That I’ve been cheating with by padding my weight with strap weights.

The guilt took my appetite away.

The look on her face. Watching the blood drain from her face. Seeing her face crumble. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what my parents are going to do. Maybe doing it the day before school starts wasn’t such a smart move but I promised Finn I’d tell her. Now I have. We walked through Poetry for a while. It’s her favourite shop. The quiet, the scents that hang in the air, the bohemian clothing, the homeware and food. I think she wishes our home were more like a Poetry store. 🙂 I’m smiling but at the same time, I have absolutely no energy. I’ve been on the couch with Jack watching movies all day. Mom and dad have been cooking and talking in that quiet way parents talk when something is wrong. I’m what’s wrong this time. We had bowls of creamy chicken soup for lunch earlier and I could feel dad watching me. Even if he didn’t want to be watching me, I know he’s worried.

We came so far together. I want to get better but I know I don’t have any control over what I’m doing to myself. I thought I was getting better but I am definitely not. Finn is right. I can’t be in a relationship. A relationship blew me to pieces. A relationship won’t be the thing that puts me back together. I have to find a way of doing that by myself.

Jack and I got out a few of the water colour paints and I’ve been going at it for an hour. He’s making water colour origami shapes for an art installation at school. My six years old genius baby brother. I have a Skype date with Elias and Greta tonight. I can’t wait. Finn sent me on my wa y with an iPod full of songs for strong women. 🙂 And two novels he’d like my opinion on neither of which I haven’t opened yet. The physical book is called, The Girl Before by JP Delaney. I’ve not heard about it but that’s the best books to read. The unknown ones. The other he purchased on my Kindle Fire and that one’s called, The Last Magician by Lisa Maxwell. He want’s my opinion.

Finn makes me smile. He makes all of me smile.

I guess sometime this week I’ll have to meet with my doctor and then we’ll go from there. I’ll have to see Noah too and hopefully, we can be friends again. Although I’m still unsure of what has happened.

My science project is complete. If he hasn’t done anything he can have whatever mark I get with pleasure. I have bigger fish to fry.

Maybe Charlie will be willing to get together for hot chocolate but then she is starting a new school this week… I doubt our friendship will go very from here on in.


Home, books & friends…

I can’t believe holidays are almost over and I’m back in cold rainy Cape Town.

I’ve been at this Science thing since I woke up on Friday morning. Dad went out to work. Mom and Jack cuddled up in her bed and then passed out leaving the house quiet enough for me to lose myself in my research. I don’t know what I feel when I think about Noah just vanishing into thin air. When I think about it, my emotions range from relief to hot anger. It’s insane. I barely know him.


She’s been really cool. She has been calling and texting non-stop. It’s like I actually have a friend. I really hope she considers herself my friend or considers me a friend. I know I haven’t been much of a friend. Perhaps I should try and invite her over for next weekend. Perhaps if we tried spending time together one on one I’d stop feeling weird around her. She has lots going on in her life at the moment. It’s a mix of do I ask questions and will she think I’m nosy? Do I keep quiet and listen and make her think I’m aloof? Do I spill all my crazy? She won’t be my friend then… Perhaps I’ll just stick to normal teenage girl topics like boys, novels, fashion and general politics.

Finn and the family

Well, what can I say about the perfect week? It’s been too long since I felt this happy. Genuinely happy. Finn didn’t want anything more than friendship which, I’ll admit made me feel sad and awful about myself but then I gave him the chance to explain it to me. Watching all those romcoms has taught me to hear the other person out to avoid misunderstandings. We live on separate continents. We attend different schools. We are only 17 and 18 years old. We barely know one another. Finn doesn’t think people should just decide to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We should actually be friends first. He said he thought I was more than just beautiful. He also mentioned, and I was shocked at how observant he was, that I seemed sad.

And I have been sad. I’ve been really lonely too. I lost Gabriel.

So I told Finn all about Gabriel Rockerfellar. I cried like a girl with a broken heart and since then I’ve felt better. Greta overheard mom and dad discussing my mental disorder with aunty Zelda and asked me about it in front of Finn and Elias. I wanted to be angry but I decided that if I was going to start rebuilding my life I have to be honest. So I told them everything. They were shocked. I however, felt relieved. Lighter somehow. Then when I looked over at Finn, his eyes were glossy but he quickly looked away before Jack came crashing in, saving him I’d say. But, I can’t say things changed after that.