Chloe Childs Pose

Hello again,  diary, slash journal slash failing social experiment.

I’ve been tardy with my recordings of late because I had exams and that’s more important when it takes all your time and energy. At least this year there is no boys taking my attention away.  I’ve aced the Piano exam. I managed to get lost in the music for the first time in forever and I’m not sure who was more shocked when it was over, my parents or my teacher. I wanted to say… Yeah, I’m able to play a symphony without making a single error now. But I wasn’t interested in bragging.

That horrible piece of my heart, Gabriel Rockerfeller has left back to New York.

Regret nothing they say but I regret the hell out of him if I’m honest. Aren’t I supposed to be too young for regrets? Well, no. Teenage girls are full of all kinds of regrets. Falling in love with the school hottie, having sex with him because he told me that he loved me and failing my entire school year! Well, yes. Regrets – I have a truckload.

Otherwise, I’m attending therapy twice a week like clockwork. I get gorgeous emails from Finn every few days. Mom and I are on speaking terms for a long while now. Dad can now finally look me in the eyes again and Jack and I are still good. Charlie?

I’m not sure what’s happening with Charlie anymore. I never see her. Sadly, she’s like my only friend but we never see each other. Ever. We text though. Just the usual ‘hows your day been?’ but her reply is always just ‘my day was manic!’ To be fair my usual response is normally, ‘my days was insane.’ If only Charlie knew just how insane some days are.

I’m looking to add some unusual skill to my repertoire. I’m not sure what yet. I’m mad about pottery. Mom and I took a few pottery classes earlier this year. That could be cool but I think one of those sculpting wheels would be expensive and with my treatments and the stays in the clinic this year, I think my parents aren’t in the position to invest in something so… permanent. Then looking through Pinterest I found calligraphy under hobbies and it seems to be the ‘it’ thing. Some people are managing to turn it into a small business. So, that could be cool. But would I have the time though?

Oh! Now, that I’m officially on holiday I’ve taken to reading moms’ Harry Potter collection. I started reading the Philosophers’ stone once but I must have got distracted because my leggy bookmark was in the book waiting for me, like an old friend. 🙂 Finn has been reading Harry Potter lately which is why I’m reading it. Damn it! Writing it down on paper makes me realise that I’m doing it again. I’m doing things because the boy in my life is doing them. Now, I’m doubting whether I even like Harry Potter books at all or do I like it because Finn likes it? This is awful. 😦

This is awful. 😦

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Day 19: Pandora’s Box Continued…

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Dear Vodka

!!!!!! Argh! What is life?

Aiden wouldn’t speak to me when we got home. He threw his keys on the kitchen counter and shut his bedroom door. I started crying. I felt so overwhelmed! The worst thing was that I didn’t even know what was going on. Why would Theo act out like that and what had Aiden done to deserve the title of ‘traitor’ from Theo?

Aiden eventually surfaced from his room and allowed me to explain myself. We sat on opposite sides of the sofa and I could feel the tension sparking between us. I told Aiden why I didn’t want anyone to know about my depression and anxiety and he apologised for being so brash about the matter. After a moment, he told me that he had a history with Theo. They were close friends until Aiden’s parent’s death and the incident with his best friend. Theo started believing everything that people were saying and Aiden allowed him to drift away because he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Theo resents him for giving up on their friendship and Aiden hates Theo for believing all those stories about him so easily. They haven’t spoken since. They avoid each other like the plague.

I proposed that the only solution was to sort this issue out at the party. Aiden straight out refused but I reminded him that I’d be with him every step of the way when I took his hand in mine.

Step 1 complete!

Aiden and I prepared for the party. I wore my favourite black velvet crossover mid-drift top with a high-waisted check skirt and stockings. I paired it with a black pair of combat boots. I put my hair up into a messy bun, coating up my lips with a touch of deep red lipstick and my eyelids with liquid eyeliner, Cleopatra style. Aiden cleaned up pretty well too with his torn jeans and a navy Guess t-shirt. He’d actually put a comb through his locks!

We arrived at the party with a mission to repair his relationship with Theo. I am officially glad to say that I was successful! It was mighty difficult but I won’t go into the details now. All that matters now is that they’re friends once again. Well, to be more accurate, they’re acquaintances because Aiden thought it best that they remain that way. I had to agree with him. Putting back four years’ worth of a friendship is a whole other obstacle. And besides, Aiden is still working on himself. That takes time. We left the party around eleven because Aiden doesn’t like driving at night. We had a good time however, even if it was short. Time flies when you’re having fun!

XOX

Charlie

Day 19: Pandora’s Box

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Dear Vodka

I swear, Vodka, that whenever things begin to work out, the universe dishes me a serving of some bad karma! Jonah made breakfast for all of us, which was simply cinnamon pancakes and bacon.  I was starving. Despite being awake, I felt like a complete zombie. Aiden picked me up and after noticing that I was barely responding he threw me into the swimming pool. I laughed about it but only once I managed to pull him in with me. After a much-needed shower, breakfast and a light application of make-up, Aiden dropped me off at group therapy. I told him that it was a youth gathering event and that he could fetch me around noon at the back of the centre. He seemed a bit confused but shrugged it off.

The last thing I wanted was Ellie questioning my choice of friends once again. It was great to see Theo again but Ellie was nowhere to be seen. She apparently had some dentist’s appointment. I guess that solved that problem! Theo bought me a berry smoothie at the refreshment station before we went in and our staring competition started. This time, however, one of the girls sitting next to Theo noticed and raised her hand, demanding that the coordinator remove me from the session. Drama queen much? Turns out, she has a thing for Theo and was getting a bit envious of all the attention Theo was directing at me.

Oh well, you win some and you lose some. I did, however, have to share in the group and I got my first “we’re here for you Charlie.” Theo said “not” at the end and everyone glanced in his direction. I simply laughed and said that he had something stuck in his throat. I asked to be excused and he followed shortly after. We stayed in the parking lot for the rest of the session. We caught up on my first week at a new school and he told me about all his catch-up time on series since the university was only staring in a month’s time.

Aiden spotted me sitting on the pavement when he fetched me, so going around the back wasn’t necessary. All was well until he saw Theo. He went absolutely still like a statue. So did Theo. I began to panic. What was happening? Then, all of a sudden, Theo called Aiden a traitor and Aiden looked as if he was going to explode. Theo asked me what I was doing with “this scumbag” and Aiden redirected the remark back at Theo. I’d never seen either of them this upset before! Theo practically grabbed my arm, leading me in the direction of his car but I violently shook him off and got into Aiden’s Jeep. Theo looked betrayed and spat out: “Do you seriously trust this traitor with your life? It’s enough that you’re suffering from depression and anxiety. He’ll only make it worse.” Aiden looked at me and I couldn’t help but feel as if I wanted to disappear into the seat. How could Theo say such things? Aiden looked betrayed too but he just sped off and said nothing throughout the ride home.

 

XOX

Charlie

Clean slates

I saw him. And he saw me.

Shock! A sharp intake of breath.

Dear diary, if you were an actual breathing human being on the other side of this stupid pen and paper what would you say? Would you tell me to just forget about him? Would you tell me that it gets better in the end? Would you tell me that someday I’ll wonder what I ever saw in him? And remind me that I have sweet, darling, Finn? Would you also tell me that first boyfriends have a reputation of being awful pigs?

Perhaps.

I saw him. And he saw me.

Lungs burning. Eyes stinging. A complete exhale.

Would you believe that he just looked at me as they passed me by? Today. In the mall. While I was out with mum.

I accidentally steered mom in the direction of Burger King in my haste to avoid her seeing them too and she ACTUALLY thought I felt like a fucking burger!!! I don’t think I have any more tears left in my body because I’m crying and no tears seem to form. My head is thumping and my ribs ache. My throat is dry and scratchy. Still, no tears. I’m all tapped out.

I wish I had access to a time machine. Not to go back in time. I’d like to go forward. I want to know what happens the day I die. I want to know everything.

Am I old? Is it next week? I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly found myself at St Peter’s door next Wednesday. Would be easy that. To slip away into the darkness… but then I think about what gran has said again and again. I’ve put up on my bedroom mirror… scribbled it on the cover of every one of my school books…

ALL OF THIS IS JUST A SEASON IN TIME. IN 10 YEARS FROM NOW WHERE WILL YOU BE?

I know it’s just something to try and convince me there is a future but if I’d succeeded in cutting my wrist last January I wouldn’t have been around to be in Germany. I would have missed out on meeting Finn and Finn is wonderful. Mum says there are many more Finns and Charlies’ out there in the world. Although, the ones I have are pretty amazing.

Exams are killer but they’ve been the focus of my last few weeks. I’ve read and reread all of Finn’s emails to me. He sends me the most gorgeous photos. He wants to be a professional photographer but I’ve seen his charcoal sketches and I think he’ll make an amazing whatever his beautiful soul wants him to be.

But that makes me wonder about what my own future holds and I don’t want to think about that too much. I’ve been working with my therapist and she’s been amazing. No drama. No condescension. Just support and non-judgement. And my parents, of course, they are both exhausting and understanding in equal measure. I’m told to put myself in their shoes in almost every session. I don’t complain about them anymore. I’m trying not to manipulate them. Trying not to lose my temper.

But sometimes… like with the whole burger thing… even I don’t have enough zen left.

Day 18: Surf’s up!

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Dear Vodka

What a week!

A new school, a newfound relationship with Mum, new friends, a new kitten and group therapy! The universe must be thanking me for something I did right! Aiden and I are going surfing straight after school. The weather is amazing and I couldn’t feel any better about myself. Life is good for once…

Aiden picked me up this morning so that I could buy a wetsuit. He has an extra surfboard so that isn’t going to be a problem. Ellie seemed pretty upset when I called her last night to tell her that they needn’t fetch me for school in this morning. She wanted to know if anything was wrong but I made up some excuse about wanting fresh air. I couldn’t tell her about Aiden. She’d say that he was bad news and I wasn’t exactly in the position to tell her why he wasn’t. Ellie is awesome but she’s also really stubborn when it comes to her opinion of others. Once she’s made up her mind about you, that’s that.

I decided to hang out with Aiden after all but then I bumped into Ellie and she totally freaked. I explained to her that I’d be careful; that I met Aiden at a party before I knew about his ‘reputation.’ She seemed to calm down a bit but warned me once again about not getting too close. I don’t know why she’s making such a big deal about it. Anyway, I’m super energised for later despite the fact that I got about four hours of sleep last night.

I got an A on my oral presentation for Portuguese class. I also managed to get Roman’s cooperation on our Biology project. He’s having a ‘back-to-school’ party on Saturday that he invited me to. I said that I’d check my schedule. I’m getting kind of used to Roman now with his wild head of golden curls. We agreed to start working on the project on Monday at his house. We’re off to a good start so far. Let’s hope it stays that way!

I was a bit nervous to stand up on the surfboard but Aiden is extremely patient. I eventually got a grip of things and at one point I stood on the board for a full ten seconds! It felt exhilarating as my motion on the board was in balance with the curve of the waves. I fell off the surfboard more times than I can count but it was all good. After all the surfing, Aiden took me for a ride on his motorbike. The slight breeze of the wind felt welcoming on my skin as the sun appeared to chase after us. We stopped for frozen yoghurt at Marcel’s and then we crashed at his place for a while until Matt, Jonah and Connor showed up unexpectedly. They didn’t even see us on the sofa. They simply walked in and went straight to the refrigerator, ranting on and on about their hunger. Boys! Aiden and I gave them such a fright when we burst into laughter. Aiden remarked that his home was their home. They would often come over and do as they pleased. After all, the door mat did read: Mi casa e su casa. The boys and I went to an underground nightclub once Aiden and I changed into casual clothes from our swimwear.

Mum didn’t seem phased when I asked if I could stay over at Aiden’s for the weekend. A simple chat with his parents over the phone and it was final. It was actually Dad who convinced Mum (as usual). Mr and Mrs Clark were home by the time we got home from the nightclub. Matt, Jonah and Connor slept over too. I couldn’t sleep, so I went to the living room to watch a movie instead. I ended up watching the latest season of Grey’s Anatomy instead. Connor crept into the kitchen as I was watching television and joined me on the couch. Connor’s always seemed like the quiet one. I like him. He’s got this cool persona about him. We chatted for hours about random things but mostly about Aiden. Connor thinks that it’s a miracle I got Aiden to open up. I accepted the compliment and soon fell asleep on his shoulder.

XOX

Charlie

Day 17: Match made in HELL!

penned by: Julia Smith

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Dear Vodka,

I sat up all night last night thinking about what Aiden had told me. On top of that, I still had loads of homework to complete and Ellie wasn’t exactly making it any easier because she kept on texting me about our English essay that was due today. I’m so exhausted. I don’t even know what day it is today. Argh! Mr McNolan, our Biology teacher, made my day even more miserable when he announced that I was paired with Roman Withers, the ultimate class clown and official pain in my ass! Seriously!?

I’m presently chewing coffee beans. Thomas wanted to watch this newly released horror movie but I said “maybe next time,” and shut my bedroom door behind me, crashing onto my bed. I still can’t get Aiden off my mind. I looked for him at school today but he was nowhere to be found; neither were any of his friends. I thought about calling him but I also want to give him some space. It was really brave of him for confiding in me what he did.

Aiden’s been battling insomnia and anxiety for the past six years ever since his parents died and he lost his best friend three years ago. What makes it worse is that everyone at school hasn’t exactly been very sympathetic about his situation. However, many of them don’t know the real story. They just fear Aiden. He’s become some untouchable person people tolerate but don’t actually want to get close to. He says that he feels responsible when things go wrong in people’s lives that he’s close to. I asked him about me; why would he befriend me then? He gave the famous “you seemed different” line but he seemed extremely sincere when he said it. He also said that he didn’t know that I’d become such an important part of his life, albeit it’s only been a couple of weeks now. He invited me to join his social circle. I said I’d think about it. I can’t just leave Ellie or tell her about what Aiden told me.

I’ve just about completed my homework that’s due for tomorrow. It’s complete insanity! Ten subjects! What was I thinking when I selected my subjects? I just hope that I can convince Roman to buckle down on this project. It’s a big part of our overall mark for the year and we can’t mess up. If I have to do it by myself I will but then I’ll use Roman as my lapdog. We have to build a model of the heart and do a presentation on its functions, diseases and treatments and so forth. Fingers crossed. Out of all the organs, we just had to get the heart. Perhaps the most complicated and important organ in the body! Nice one, Mr McNolan!

I have an oral for Portuguese class tomorrow. I have to do a presentation on the Portuguese language and culture in Angola, one of the countries the Portuguese colonised. I hope that I’ve nailed it.

XOX

Charlie

Day 16: Gran’s puuurfect surprise!

penned by: Julia Smith

 

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Dear Vodka,

Getting home, I was beyond exhausted from school. Neither Mum, Dad or Thomas were home, so I was forced to call Aiden for a ride to Gran Lilith’s. He handed me a note the day before which read:

We need to talk in private. Don’t let anyone know about this.                                                     A. A.      x 

 

It gave me the chills, to be honest. He picked me up shortly after the call in his Jeep. The dusty sunset orange one. The one I secretly love because it’s open on the sides.

No one was smiling however when I got into the Jeep. What was going on? Especially since Aiden is never serious when I’m around. I asked him about it but he said that he’d tell me once I’ve finished my business at Gran’s’. Frankly, he was freaking me out. Gran recognised him from the last time and invited him in for tea but I made some lame excuse about a group project that was due tomorrow and that we needed to get on with it.  SO… my visit was brisk. I’d forgotten about Gran’s surprise until she stopped me just as I was about to leave with my cat Lava and a few of my things. She gingerly handed me a small box ordering me to take it with both hands. Guess what?! It was a kitten! I almost made Gran Lilith lose her balance when I jumped on her. I hugged her so tight!

She’s perfect!

When we got back into the Jeep, Aiden made a joke about naming the kitten, Ash. I laughed because then I’d have Ash and Lava. Get it? I thought about his suggestion but decided against it. If I lost Aiden in any way, the kitten would be a constant reminder of him if I did name her Ash. We brainstormed names and eventually settled on Lily because of her snow-white coat. By the time we dropped them off at home, Thomas was there already, so I entrusted him with taking care of Lava and Lily.

We drove to Bean Therapy and I ordered an espresso whereas Aiden ordered his usual decaf latte. It made sense now! He suffered from insomnia because of his parents and best friend! I almost shouted it out once I realised it as he ordered his decaf latte. We spoke for hours and we also happened to be the last people at the café. After all that, I knew that Aiden needed me for a little while longer, so I suggested we drive down to the beach and watch the sunset. We sat in complete silence. We watched as the sun disappeared into the sea, taking its last breath so that the moon could come alive. I took Aiden’s hand in mine and he didn’t pull away. We sat for a little while longer until we both came to our senses and realised that we still had tons of homework to complete. We listened to The Japanese House as he drove me home. I hugged him tight before he left. He needed to know that I would always be there for him; that I wouldn’t abandon him. He is mine now and I am his, and as long as we both fight for our friendship, nothing can separate us. He’s teaching me how to surf on Friday.

There goes the neighbourhood!

XOX

Charlie