Diary entry, day four: Weekend @ Grans’

I am spending the weekend at grans’.

There is something to be said about the solitude and peace of a home. Since we moved house we’ve been enjoying non of that! Even when Mother and dad are not fighting there is a crazy tension that even Jack picks up on.

I tried to bring Jack along but Mother wouldn’t allow it. Clings to Jack like he is her life support. Starting to think she is using the poor kid in a power play with dad or something but I don’t know why.

Things seem to be cooling down at school too. I sort of made a friend. I’m not getting my hopes up though. Teenage girls tend to find me a bit boring once they realise that my life revolves around the piano and not much else. I’m not exactly a normal girly girl. It’s so weird. My mother tries to get me to the pink side but I am happier around gran who loves me for just being Chloe and it’s easy. I run for fun. I read old books. I keep a herb garden and I play the piano. Chloe in a nutshell.

I have been googling how long a period lasts and just how much blood I will lose. It’s not too bad but it’s still scary. Anywhere between three and five days and only a loss of two tablespoons. I think it’s wildly off though. Grandmother saw my pads in the packet in my overnight bag and surprised me with a vintage lady purse. It’s a bright orange box purse with red silk on the inside with a dainty clip under the flap. She bought it for herself on a trip to Portugal. I love it!

She said that I should do something nice for myself every month when it’s that time of the month. She gave me a box of pomegranate fizz balls and said I should keep it as a treat. I think gran is so cool.

Mother hasn’t spoken to me about my first period as if I know everything about everything. Dad went out and got me tons of sanitary products and a lovely care package and now grandma has given me a beautiful purse to carry the unmentionables about in without it looking suspicious but mum… Sometimes I feel like I am being dramatic when I say that she hates me but I really feel like she just doesn’t have time for me anymore. She’s glued to her mobile and Jack. She’s constantly finding fault with me! Always nitpicking!! I don’t know what’s changed but I am starting to really hate her! I just wish things can go back to the way they were when mom and dad were happy. Before the tragedy and dads’ depression and the joblessness and the downsizing and mom going back to work. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow morning to moms delicious cinnabuns and my old bedroom. I wish I could go back to being me before the messy period.

I miss my friends who are forgetting about me already. I miss the comforts of my bedroom and I miss the normality. That’s why I come back to grandmothers’. It’s not because any classmate lives close by like I said. I only lied to mom so I could come back to the comforts of a place that I know well. Like grandpa’s library with it’s old books that smell like leather and history. I will always love a printed book over a Kindle. A Kindle is lighter sure but a book! It carries a certain memory with it. An indescribable magic. Once I opened an old book called ‘The nutcracker and the Mouse King’. It was written by E. Hoffman and I think it had been a 1816 copy. I don’t remember exactly but I found a beautiful handwritten note from grandfather to grandmother tucked away inside. When I gave it to her it was as though I had given her a voice message from grandfather. She has that note tucked away in her vintage Bible that she keeps next to her bed. She always says that he was her first love and that love is the only thing in life I should search for. Everything else should already have a step by step plan. If only everything in life was that easy!!

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