Diary entry number six: Chloe dies a little

Feels like the world is falling apart. I am not sure what my parents are thinking but this is not a healthy situation.

I feel like I need direction. I feel hollow. Just no idea what I am going to do. Adults suck!

Well today was sukky from the moment I got up. The shower was cold, then my hairdryer blew and I burst through my parents bedroom door and saw my parents – naked! It didn’t quite filter in within the first second and then I spun round because the whole room came into view. I saw mums naked bum as she leaned against the bureau and dad sat half under the duvet but he was definitely naked too. I shut the door and apologised then asked for her hairdryer. After a few minutes of shuffling behind their bedroom door mum opened the door in her purple robe and shoved the dryer into my waiting hands with a stern ‘Knock next time!’ Then she slammed the door shut.

Dad whistled the whole way to school and gave me a tight hug before squashing my cheeks in his hands and saying, ‘You’re growing up so fast!’ It would have been fine if it didn’t happen when the mean girls where crossing the road infront of the car and suddenly I thought about the kid who tried to commit suicide and wondered exactly which method the kid used.

In class I was passed a note that read something about being a spoilt little daddys’ girl but I didn’t finish the note as the Technology teacher grabbed it off my desk. I spent the rest of the morning in the guidance teachers rooms answering questions about bullying and knowing about support systems for depression. Oh. My. Soul!

The only thing that made the day seem worth getting out of bed for was sitting behind the keys again. I cannot imagine not having a place to go to. Music is that place. In my head music is where I relax and come together. So when the lecturer spoke about the upcoming concerto I wanted him to call my name and ask me to do it but it was a long shot.

And then he asked Gabriel and my heart shattered into millions of shards in my chest.

When I got home after what felt like the school day from hell there were suitcases at the door. Dad looked grief stricken and there was no one else around.

Then dad said that he had discussed it with mom and that she had taken Jack for karate class and he wanted to sit down with me alone.

‘Please don’t be angry baby. I need to go and sort my head out. I know that you are brave and strong enough to understand that I need this for me.’ he said.

‘What are you talking about? Are those bags yours? Are you walking out on us?’

‘No! No! Chloe of course not! How can you say that? Being unhappy is not good for mom. It’s not good for you or Jack and it’s not working for me. Chloe I am trying to do the best I can.’

‘By leaving? Everything is changing and now you’re leaving?’ I couldn’t help the stupid tears.

‘I’m not leaving.’ he said.

‘You won’t be here. That’s leaving! You have bags at the door. You’re running away. I know Claude is dead…’ And then dad broke down crying and it made me angry because we are still here. He still has a family. We need him too. I need him.

‘ You should go dad. Just go.’

I went back to my room and locked the door and listened to him beg me to open up and then he gave up and I heard the taxi outside and watched my dad get in and then he was gone.

And just like that we were all alone without our compass.

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