Elle: First attempt while on email

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Subject        Just found your assignment page between my things

 Dearest Chloe,

 I think about you all day long but right now I just wish I could talk to you like we did when you and I spent our afternoons reading books on the couch in the sun.

Today, I don’t even know where to start. You’re my daughter and I feel like we live worlds apart. I miss you Chloe. I miss my girl. Dad is gone and it’s just us now.

I am sitting here in my office at work and I can barely think about the tons of work I am in charge of doing. Let me tell you a secret. I wish would tell you that I wish I was home with you and Jack instead of here.

I absolutely love working and doing this job is incredible but after being home with you and Jack for the last twelve years it’s tough going learning how to utilise the innovations of the industry. I miss hearing about your day and just knowing things about you. I remember all your little stories. Every moment we spent together was precious. I loved being home with you but I had to go back to work to help dad. And if I’m being honest, once Jack was at school full time I felt useless. I didn’t have that much to do around the house which I couldn’t do while also doing something more fulfilling with my life.

If we could talk I would tell you that going back to work was supposed to be a part time thing. I was still supposed to be there for you and Jack but life had other ideas. Tragic ideas.

Sometimes I want to shake you and tell you that it’s not just you who lost a part of your life. We all lost parts of our life that we loved very, very much my darling girl. The biggest loss for me was the loss of my husband. I lost my friend. I’m not going to lie and tell you that David is my best friend. That is your aunty Janes’ job. There are just things that you cannot share with your husband without losing your mysterious aura and I’ve always loved being called mysterious. Yet David is my gravity force. The way he is your best friend he is my anchor. When your grandfather died … (sigh) David was the person who had to deliver the news and he knew exactly what to say without trying to protect me. I think your aunty Jane would have pussy footed around the whole thing and mess it up.

It’s hard for me. My gravity, my centre, my anchor in life is no longer there. I see his face and I hear his voice but it’s just not him. Nothing about David is David. He’s not the man I married and I need him back.

I am scared. Chloe, I am so scared and I need my daughter. I would love to talk to you . I would love for us to just sit about in our pajamas the way we use to do with popcorn and hot chocolate with those little mashmallows and a dollop of cream we both loved so much and just watch musicals. We were friends once weren’t we? I was proud of our relationship. I don’t want to become estranged. Not from you. Not from the amazing, beautiful human being I gave birth to. You were the most beautiful moment of my life. I don’t know what I am going to do to reconnect with my precious daughter but I think we need each other while daddy is far away trying very hard to find a way through his grief and heartache.

Be brave and honest my beautiful girl,

If I could send you this email.

I would!

Your mother,

Ella Vollenhoven

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