Elle: Finding my inner mother

It was weird. Power walking back from a business meeting with some 20 something who was more up to date with social media than myself at Charlies Bakery, I happened upon this random bookstore. Well not exactly random. Busy as hell but really lovely. I went in to find myself a journal. And I did. A beautiful orange Moleskin. Pricy and worth it!

Chloe and I had managed to exchange a few sentences in a reasonably relaxed tone of voice at breakfast on Saturday. I had decided to make a batch of cinnamon buns and she came into the kitchen still half asleep and curled up in the comfortable chair by the kitchen window. It hit me at that moment that my daughter loves cinnamon buns. She would live off these if she could and I hadn’t baked a batch since Claude died. So I told her I had scooped up her assignment paper somehow and she then in turn told me a bit about the project and how it’s going for her. I got a little heart sore. My daughter and I hadn’t had such a civil conversation in weeks. Maybe even months. I turned away and started pouring orange juice so that she wouldn’t see her old mum tearing up about nothing.

Well nothing that would be important to Chloe.

So here I am sitting in bed now. My big empty bed where I once use to be part of a couple. I don’t know what to tell the children about their dad. I don’t know what to tell myself at this point. He was here and then Claude died and he hasn’t been here ever since. We’ve taken on so many changes in such a short period of time I haven’t had the time to adjust. I still find myself waking up at night and for a moment I wonder where I am and then I remember we’ve moved house. Some mornings I wake up and I can’t make my brain work for the day of the week! It’s just so hard. I’ve literally been dragging myself through this entire time. The morning after he left I had a little sob in the shower. I didn’t see it coming either. It just happened. At that moment I just wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and not have to deal with the world but I am a mother now. I cannot shut off. I can’t go quitting life. I am responsible for myself and two other human beings who are still dependent on my sanity. So I cling to my facade by my fingernails.


David was supposed to call Jack and Chloe this evening but sent me a text message that he wasn’t in the right head space and would try to be better tomorrow! I’d like to shake him and ask him WTF David?! I want to be understanding but I look at our babies and they need him around. He can’t really be checking out at this moment in time.

This just isn’t what we planned when we got together. We were going to travel and buy a home and have children and grow old together. We were supposed to be a team. I want to fall apart. I want to remind David that we are parents to two living children. I want to scream that I am so sorry that his son has passed but that Jack is a little boy with a hero complex and his hero has completely checked out on him. But I don’t. I keep it together. I’ve done enough screaming and shouting at David to last me for the next ten years in the last two months. This needs to come to an end but I won’t force it right now. For now he is free to figure out what he wants but my life has suddenly changed to something I barely recognise.



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