Elle Vollenhoven: Becoming my mother

My life is such a rush. I very rarely get a moment to stop and take stock of what I am doing and who I am. I realised what a gift Daniel had given me by taking time away. I could use this time to regroup and focus. Why hadn’t I thought about it this way before? Mostly because I need to control everything. I’ve realised that the one thing I said wouldn’t never happen to me has actually happened without my knowledge. I guess when you are the one doing the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, doctors appointments, researching the kids schools and learning who their friends are and have to be your husbands personal assistant and chamber maid then priorities become lists and lists become routine and that little power can make you just a little nuts! I don’t want to be nuts. I want my kids to adore me and I want Daniel to love me and yes, adoring me would be great. Sometimes I just want to be someones’ girlfriend again just for the perks of being admired and studied and faffed over and adored. Now I’m the wife and mother. And they wonder why I’ve become my mother?

The school called last Friday afternoon just as I was about to have a pedi, mani, wax. God, was it really a week ago already? I had to reschedule. So this weekend I figured since it was Valentines weekend that I would spoil myself. I haven’t done it in so long. It really was overdue. I should be making more  of an effort to take care of myself but with everything happening around me at the speed of light, the highlights in my hair, is really the last thing on my mind. Anyway, that call through came just as I put a foot into the spa and I was promptly told that Chloe had been involved in a scuffle. Delicately put. Chloe could barely see through the eye and to make matters worse she refused to tell any of the teachers who had done this to her. She wouldn’t tell me either. She kept saying she didn’t see anyone but how can you get punched in the face and not see anyone?

I am absolutely mortified by her behaviour. If Daniel was here she would not be pulling this shit. Obviously she drives me crazy and makes me out to be the bitch in the story. I called Daniel and told him that Chloe has started acting out because of this crazy living situation and the fact that the kids have absolutely no stability. He said that it was best he talk to his darling girl and listen to what she has to say. As if I don’t listen! I can only thank God that Jack has been so good about everything as I know he is suffering inside. My poor baby boy. If only I could drag Daniel back by the scruff of his neck and make him realise that Jack needs him. Obviously when I tell Daniel this it’s met with sighs and ‘how can it be good for Jack to see his father so broken?’ Well at least he is seeing his father!

So then Chloe was excluded from school for two days. It’s really just a nice way of saying expelled but I guess it’s not as bad as all that. I tried but I failed miserably to make any kind of effort to communicate with Chloe at this point. Until this weekend when I went off to treat myself and she said she had to be at school because she was the lead pianists understudy and needed to practise with the rest of the orchestra before their concert. Why Chloe still clings to the whole piano thing is beyond me. I don’t know why my mother encourages her so. She is not going to be able to make a career out of playing the piano. That is reserved for the best of the best and lets face it this is Chloe. She is pretty and kind but she is not Mozart or Chopin or even a Rocherfellar by any stretch of the imagination. If she could apply herself academically the way she does her music she could have a very lucrative career in anything she chooses but this musical career is just a dream and it’s one from which she will need to wake up very soon.

When I told Daniel all of this earlier he accused me of wanting to turn Chloe into me! And then promptly informed me that I was beginning to sound exactly like my mother who I despise and it’s only because according to him we are two peas in a pod and he will not let me ruin his precious Chloe. So I very rudely slammed the phone in his ear!!!


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