Every mother has a past : Elle

It’s true that every mother has a past. Sometimes I look back on who I was as a young adult and realise that a fire hazard I must have been for my parents. Looking back on it I often find myself painfully regretting things I said. I take responsibility for my mother basically quitting her mothering duties. It got so much worse after my father died. Now here I am, a mother myself. I’m watching Chloe and I want to reach out and pull her back a little. Just stop her from losing herself in Gabriel but I can’t tell her how to live.

I just know telling her to go slow with Gabriel (because I said so) isn’t going to work. It’s going to alienate her. She is going to think that I’m trying to stop her from living her life. I wouldn’t want that for her. I felt that life start inside of me always wanting to make her happy. Why would it be any different now? Her smile still gives me that warm and fuzzy mummy feeling. In those moments I love my little girl but that’s just the thing. She’s not a little girl exactly. She’s a young girl on the precipice of womanhood and I just want to make sure she keeps her innocence for as long as she can.

I lost my virginity at 15. I was insane and now that I’m married to a really good man and have this really beautiful life with these two gorgeous children, I lie in bed at night and I wish I had waited. I regret that boy. I don’t really even remember his stupid name. I just remember that he said that he loved me. I had a really lovely father. Dad did so much for us. He worked hard. He loved us but I wanted this silly little boy who had nothing to offer me to love me. I liked that I felt sexy and mature when I was with him. I remember all these things but I don’t remember his name. Says a lot.

Chloe will probably tell me just because I regretted my first time doesn’t mean she will. When she finds the man she wants to marry she will regret that her whole heart doesn’t belong to him. She’ll only understand then that little pieces of her heart have been left in the beds of everyone she will ever have sex with.

If I knew how to tell my daughter; boyfriends are an unnecessary accessory at your age. I would want to be able to tell her why. I would want to tell her that your girlfriends and you and more important right now. Hanging out with boys in a crowd instead of one on one is better. Relationships are stressful. Even with all his sweet treats and puppies and expensive jewellery. I mean really? Jewellery? I had to bite my tongue because I really wanted to tell her to give it back. What an expectation!

I am sure he is a really lovely boy but as he is older than she is and seems to only spoil her with expensive gifts I’m worried. His parents are not exactly worried but did tell us that if our daughter thought she could trap their son we had another thing coming. I very nearly sucker punched the man. Took me a day to calm Daniel down. Took me even longer to convince him not to ban Gabriel and Chloe from seeing one another. I have first-hand experience with the aphrodisiac effect those words have on teenagers.

Off to bed to read a book and eat my sweet treat from my sweet and funny husband. I need to find a way to speak to Chloe away from home. It will probably help us both feel relaxed. It could help me share and help her hear me.

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