It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.
PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.
Written by Julia Smith
First week at a new school was … can I say? I was the shiny new toy in the preschool game room that everyone wanted to play with. Despite the fact that my nerves were shot, I felt really positive and ready to take on this new journey. Theo offered to pick me up along with Ellie whom he regularly dropped off at school every day before he went to university. It made me feel a load better knowing that Ellie would be at my side. I called Chloe before I left just to check in. I told her all about Theo and Ellie. She promised to see me soon. I can’t wait to see her. For now, though, my new friends were doing a pretty good job at keeping me happy. What more could I ask for? Life is great. I asked Ellie if we could look for Aiden. The moment I said his name, her coffee went from near-ingestion to on-the-floor-in-a-nice-brown-puddle-of-shock! I was confused until she started interrogating me about how I knew ‘The Aiden Clark.’ What? Apparently, Aiden is super popular and no one infiltrates his group but his close friends, which is three guys named Matt, Jonah and Connor. Who knew? Oh well, he’ll probably act as if I don’t exist if he bumps into me at school. Ellie warned me to stay away from him. It’s not because he’s some bad boy or anything; she just said that whoever gets close to Aiden ends up either going mental or dead. Okay. Hold the phone. Seriously? That’s a bit much! However, Ellie told me that Aiden’s parents both died in a fatal car crash of which he was the only survivor. Also, his best friend was treated for mirror-touch synaesthesia and because Aiden played lacrosse and got injured all the time, his best friend could feel his pain. It eventually drove him crazy. Literally. I couldn’t stop thinking about Aiden. He must feel pretty crap about what people say about him. Why didn’t he tell me any of this? I think I know why. Aiden didn’t know that we were going to be attending the same school. That would mean that he didn’t mind having me around. I suppose Matt, Jonah and Connor are really special if they’re around him all the time. I still think, however, that just because those horrible things happened to his parents and his best friend, it doesn’t make Aiden a bad person. It simply means that he has been very unfortunate. I’ll understand if he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. It will break my heart a bit too. Ciao for now! XOX
This hasn’t been the easiest week for me.
It’s been freezing cold again and with most of my body fat gone my teeth are rattling most of the day. I’ve started getting strange looks and whispers but I don’t care much. Gossip all you want. Only means I’m THAT important.
Mom and dad have been at me all week. I’ve had two counselling sessions and been for a full body work up this week. If someone tells me I need to eat just one more time I think I’ll stop eating just to spite them. I just don’t see the point in putting all that into my body. Mom made me watch To The Bone on Netflix. I rolled my eyes a lot. Why does everyone seem to think I have anorexia? Why does my lifestyle need to be labelled? So I’m very conscientious of a number of calories I put in my body. It doesn’t mean I have or will ever be anorexic.
I tried explaining that to my counsellor who then told me ‘If that is how you feel Chloe, then you need to tell me. It’s the only way we are going to be able to get to the bottom of this.’
Sometimes I just want to look him in the face and ask him if he’s happy to have ruined my life? I was such a normal happy human being before he walked in all beautiful and confused. I gave him my virginity and he tossed me aside like I was meaningless. Am I meaningless? Is this what I’m trying to achieve? Meaning?
I tried finding Noah – which I did. He just appeared, said: Chloe and then pulled his half of the science project out of a folder. So I gave him my full report. He casually weighed it in his hands before cocking his eyebrow at the fact that I’d had the grace to credit him for my work. After a good ten minutes, we both handed each project back but he said I could do whatever I wanted with his. I don’t know if he was angry because I’d done our assignment by myself but then he should have answered one of my many emails or messages. Noah can grow up and talk to me whenever he feels like it again. I’m not going to grovel at another mans’ feet again.
But maybe just one mans.
Dad has been by my side this whole week. He has stopped running with me in the morning. We’ve been having breakfast every morning. Just the two of us. He watches my every bite and it makes me want to throw up just so we can stop this charade but I know that is going to destroy our fragile relationship. He just said that he thought we were making progress. He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do.
I said: Please dad, don’t give up on me.
Then he folded me into his arms.
I asked mom for some time to be just us.
Then I dropped the bomb that I’ve been dishonest about my eating habits. She was confused because she does the surprise weigh ins and bedroom checks. I felt forced to explain to her that I’d been burying my food in the back yard. That I’ve been cheating with by padding my weight with strap weights.
The guilt took my appetite away.
The look on her face. Watching the blood drain from her face. Seeing her face crumble. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what my parents are going to do. Maybe doing it the day before school starts wasn’t such a smart move but I promised Finn I’d tell her. Now I have. We walked through Poetry for a while. It’s her favourite shop. The quiet, the scents that hang in the air, the bohemian clothing, the homeware and food. I think she wishes our home were more like a Poetry store. 🙂 I’m smiling but at the same time, I have absolutely no energy. I’ve been on the couch with Jack watching movies all day. Mom and dad have been cooking and talking in that quiet way parents talk when something is wrong. I’m what’s wrong this time. We had bowls of creamy chicken soup for lunch earlier and I could feel dad watching me. Even if he didn’t want to be watching me, I know he’s worried.
We came so far together. I want to get better but I know I don’t have any control over what I’m doing to myself. I thought I was getting better but I am definitely not. Finn is right. I can’t be in a relationship. A relationship blew me to pieces. A relationship won’t be the thing that puts me back together. I have to find a way of doing that by myself.
Jack and I got out a few of the water colour paints and I’ve been going at it for an hour. He’s making water colour origami shapes for an art installation at school. My six years old genius baby brother. I have a Skype date with Elias and Greta tonight. I can’t wait. Finn sent me on my wa y with an iPod full of songs for strong women. 🙂 And two novels he’d like my opinion on neither of which I haven’t opened yet. The physical book is called, The Girl Before by JP Delaney. I’ve not heard about it but that’s the best books to read. The unknown ones. The other he purchased on my Kindle Fire and that one’s called, The Last Magician by Lisa Maxwell. He want’s my opinion.
Finn makes me smile. He makes all of me smile.
I guess sometime this week I’ll have to meet with my doctor and then we’ll go from there. I’ll have to see Noah too and hopefully, we can be friends again. Although I’m still unsure of what has happened.
My science project is complete. If he hasn’t done anything he can have whatever mark I get with pleasure. I have bigger fish to fry.
Maybe Charlie will be willing to get together for hot chocolate but then she is starting a new school this week… I doubt our friendship will go very from here on in.
I can’t believe holidays are almost over and I’m back in cold rainy Cape Town.
I’ve been at this Science thing since I woke up on Friday morning. Dad went out to work. Mom and Jack cuddled up in her bed and then passed out leaving the house quiet enough for me to lose myself in my research. I don’t know what I feel when I think about Noah just vanishing into thin air. When I think about it, my emotions range from relief to hot anger. It’s insane. I barely know him.
She’s been really cool. She has been calling and texting non-stop. It’s like I actually have a friend. I really hope she considers herself my friend or considers me a friend. I know I haven’t been much of a friend. Perhaps I should try and invite her over for next weekend. Perhaps if we tried spending time together one on one I’d stop feeling weird around her. She has lots going on in her life at the moment. It’s a mix of do I ask questions and will she think I’m nosy? Do I keep quiet and listen and make her think I’m aloof? Do I spill all my crazy? She won’t be my friend then… Perhaps I’ll just stick to normal teenage girl topics like boys, novels, fashion and general politics.
Finn and the family
Well, what can I say about the perfect week? It’s been too long since I felt this happy. Genuinely happy. Finn didn’t want anything more than friendship which, I’ll admit made me feel sad and awful about myself but then I gave him the chance to explain it to me. Watching all those romcoms has taught me to hear the other person out to avoid misunderstandings. We live on separate continents. We attend different schools. We are only 17 and 18 years old. We barely know one another. Finn doesn’t think people should just decide to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We should actually be friends first. He said he thought I was more than just beautiful. He also mentioned, and I was shocked at how observant he was, that I seemed sad.
And I have been sad. I’ve been really lonely too. I lost Gabriel.
So I told Finn all about Gabriel Rockerfellar. I cried like a girl with a broken heart and since then I’ve felt better. Greta overheard mom and dad discussing my mental disorder with aunty Zelda and asked me about it in front of Finn and Elias. I wanted to be angry but I decided that if I was going to start rebuilding my life I have to be honest. So I told them everything. They were shocked. I however, felt relieved. Lighter somehow. Then when I looked over at Finn, his eyes were glossy but he quickly looked away before Jack came crashing in, saving him I’d say. But, I can’t say things changed after that.
What a brilliant week but it’s coming to an end!!!
It’s almost too awful to contemplate but the tickets are booked and my father’s mind is made up. Back to the homestead for us all.
Beautiful, deep, hilarious Finn has made Germany feel like a romantic French holiday in some romantic French village somewhere. I’ve been so happy and had such an appetite this past week. I’ve been that happy! After Portugal and freaking out about Noah and the assignment from hell which I will complete by myself, with or without his help, I am relieved and relaxed and rejuvenated.
I sent a postcard to my two pen pals from last year whom I had met at the embassy. A chic brother and sister duo. I remember feeling like magnolia against their wonderfully full lives. I was happy they got in touch so quickly. I posted my card on Monday and got a box delivered back to me on Wednesday filled with a Hogwarts t shirt, gummies, chocolates, a TB disk filled with their favourite music and movies and a Jane Austen quote mug. It was amazing and delightful. I was more than a little surprised. I had my cousins and Finn help me choose a few albums to send back and two t shirts. I was too overwhelmed to think straight. The postal service back home is so poopy I couldn’t risk trying to do it from back home. They tried sending two gift boxes home but it didn’t reach me.
Mother dragged me into the bathroom this week for a quick weigh in. Impromptu so as to catch me out. Luckily I’d packed my ankle and wrist weights. So quickly I slipped them on under my jeans and one under my bangles so I could add three kilos. It meant I was only 2kg under weight but I blamed that on being up at the crack of dawn and not stopping until the end of the day. She might not have bought it but who knows. She might have.
Cousin Greta’s birthday party was rather quaint. If that is a good way to put it. It was a normal 16th birthday party. My world and theirs are so far apart. Perhaps it’s because my mother is partially British? I had a 16th birthday bash in a club! Now perhaps I realise more than ever what a waste of money that whole thing was. Her party was perfectly fine. Relaxing. Elias, Finn and I set up a make shift cinema with a large white sheet outside. We grabbed all the bean bags around the house and put out the picnic blankets and watched two of the movies from the TB disk.
I have to smile at this memory forever emblazoned into my brain. I won’t forget how wonderful and simple the evening was and like I’ve said. I’m hungry all the time now. It’s strange because Finn doesn’t stop eating and our heads are never far apart because we are always listening to music on his iPod.
Best Summer ever!!!
I met someone. LOL! How is this possible? I’m absolutely besotted with him. His name is Finn. He is so German and jaw-droppingly gorgeous. He has the bluest eyes and jet black hair and full pink lips which I can’t stop looking at as he speaks. His English is about as good as my German, which is to say communication can sometimes be a problem. We met at the airport! We have exactly the same backpacks and happen to both go for the wrong one. I could see he was super annoyed about it at first especially because my German is rather ratty but… we figured it out in the end.
Then! We got to my aunts’ house and after a long lunch and a short snooze, my cousins Elias and Greta decided they wanted to show me around the town so off we went with Jack in tow. I am really trying to fix things with Jack this vacation. Things haven’t really been that great between us as of the beginning of the year. It’s all my fault and I want to mend it. He’s my favourite person in the whole wide world. I want us to be close like we use to be.
Anyway, we walked into this retro vibe music shop. The chick behind the counter is blowing bubblegum bubbles like a Guinness world book record holder. She has enough piercings to make me wonder if she just air dries after a shower and her hair is the most violent red I’ve ever encountered and immediately I thought of Charlie and what story she’d be making up for retro records girl. I doubt she even knew we were in the store. She was wearing a set of purple beats headphones and nodding her head while reading something I couldn’t see. It was CARAVAL by Stephanie Garber! The chick was reading the book of the bloody Young Adult reading list YEAR!!! I saw a Booktuber open a book Crate unboxing this book and I’ve wanted it ever since!
Anyhoo, as I was thumbing through a box of old LP’s, and guess who was clearing his throat right next to me. Airport guy. Finn. My stomach did a weird jig when I realised who he was and he gave me this lopsided grin. His eyebrows sat up into his fringe. Or his hair overhang. I don’t know but it’s edgy.
He lives two streets from where my aunt lives. Attends school with cousin Elias. We cousins are all born a year apart. Elias being eighteen. Me seventeen. Greta is sixteen in a few days. Their youngest sister Zeta, seven and Jack… well he’ll be six soon. We’re having a Captain America themed party for him. And Jack LIKES Finn. Probably because Finn brought over a bunch of his Captain America paraphernalia for him which melted mom and aunt Zelma’s hearts while Dad just whispered, “I hope your know what you’re getting yourself into with ‘this Finn character’ and then tapped his watch as if to say… time is running out.