Chloe Vollenhoven Diary novel

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I keep paging through this journal every time I write a journal entry. I haven’t written even half a diary. Is that weird? Then suddenly in the space of two weeks, I have so much ‘life’ material it’s actually worth it.

It’s exams. I’ll ace it like I usually do. Not even stressed this time round. It’s the exact same subjects as last year but this year I don’t have as many friends or some delusional boyfriend to distract me. Of course, we need friends. And, I want friends. Charlie, seems like a good place to start but who wants to be friends with the girl whose heart almost gave in?

Since I’m not writing a paper tomorrow, and THE PARENTS and I made a deal to do be healthy together, things have turned around at home for me. On our last ‘date’ dad took me rock climbing at City Rock  right here in Observatory! What a freaken rush that was. We go jogging every morning before school so I can ‘relax’ before I write. Everyone’s a psychologist in my life these days. So annoying. Anyway, since exams are basically over for me, (I just have my violin recital on Saturday) mum, Jack and I are off to Jump Around in Paarden Eiland today! It promises to get the heart pumping. I’m loving it.

If I felt safe enough to get back on my bike I would be doing that too but since the home invasions have been getting worse here in the Southern Suburbs we are all being extra careful. I feel like here is nothing left to fight for in South Africa. What kind of future could I have? Perhaps, we’d move back to Germany. Wouldn’t be the worse thing in the world other than the fact that there are terrorist attacks terrorising mainland Europe and nowhere is safe from a ‘potential’ attack.

This is what I love about this beautiful country. Here we all just get along. Here things seem to have worked. I know we have a dark past as a country but for a few years, I believe, we had a chance to be great. An African continent success story. Instead, with our current government, we are a failing state. Our government has forsaken the country they swore to protect. Instead of thriving, South Africa is failing. Even if this city isn’t technically governed by the leading party, it doesn’t feel like we are any better off than the rest of the country where the last Oncologist in public health just resigned his post. Shocker!

And adults are going to be all – you don’t know what you’re talking about child – but I do.

Anyway, with father’s day out of the way, that’s basically dad braaing meat and veg on a fire like a caveman while mum fusses about how wonderful he is for a day. Don’t get me wrong… I love my dad. Without him, I wouldn’t be here. Literally and figuratively. I know I can talk to him about everything that goes through my head – In theory.  However, in practice, my mind is the barrier to everything that is wrong with my world.

I saw Charlie and Aiden on the weekend but I don’t know if she wanted me to tag along. They were acting all loved up which made my stomach turn a bit which is when I left them to it. Don’t know if I want to hang around Charlie if Aiden is around. I don’t think I’m strong enough to watch other people be in love or whatever…

Noah Slater – Mid year

Author: Ryan Minords

 

So I am in high school now, almost my senior year. The funny guy with a cool comment here and there but I’ve never spoken up because my intelligence seems stupid to them. As for my appearance… well maybe my hair is cool but add buck teeth and I’m a social outcast. Now, in general,  I don’t wear BRANDS.  I do a hand me down blazer, stitched up backpack, and I’m not the most athletic dude on the block.  But I could treat her well enough. I’d be the guy who showed up when she needs me. She’s the star pupil in class. How she could fail a year is just a mystery to me. I bet it had something to do with Rockerfellar.

I’d be the guy to bring her soup when she’s sick and actually listens to her when she speaks. I’d open a door for her get her flowers. Go for walks in the park etc. instead, she goes for the wealthiest guy in school… treats her good in public but is a total jerk in private. Is it my fault that she ends up with him or whenever she’s around my tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth at even the simplest of questions from her? She’s perfect! Well dressed in uniform. Pays attention to detail next to the who framed Roger rabbit character. What a contrast of personalities. Is it my fault that she ends up with him or am I to intervene? Is it primal or survival of the fittest or is idiocy classed as fitness these days? Is swagger more important than a good formed word or a composed gentlemanly character?

We are teamed up for a project of some sort in chemistry Ahhhh chemistry!!!!

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤  (Animated hearts pumping from my chest cavity.)  ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

This is my chance. I can’t mess this up! She asked me to meet her later tomorrow in the library to do some research. I am starting to feel a little bit more comfortable around her as she makes me feel at ease. Another good thing about her. And I can tell that she was raised well, not to judge, but she laughs at my not so fluent jokes and she got the jist of what I was trying so… wow, I just realised I can be myself around her.  She’s broken down a barrier.  She didn’t say it in so many words but I can tell that she’s punctual. One, if not her only quirks is that trust broken, doesn’t sit well with her….well, with anyone for that matter but for me this is the promise I could not break.  Everything was set up so what could possibly go wrong?  I mean all I had to do was show up for our appointment. Then horror of horrors, hormones threw me a huge curveball with not one but two pounding zits on my lip and forehead right square centre.

I cannot be seen at school like this, what new cruel name will be added to my already illustrious list of atrocities? Over the years the name calling, teasing and downright bullying have chipped away at my character.  I guess honestly, I’m just a kind hearted soul that just wanted to be accepted.  What a great person I could have been to your world now.  If I wasn’t chipped at all through my early adolescence,  throughout the private schooling system – like my earliest memory being at primary school during our 1st week and miss Honey telling me if I don’t stop crying she will put poison on her tit and stick in my mouth, I mean who does that? Imagine the graphic image burnt into me – a child’s memory at that early age. Ripped away from your mother’s bosom off to fend for yourself in the big world.

 

I digress; I cannot let  Chloe Vollenhoven see me like this.

 

So she ends up with a not so Jonny average that was actually not so average albeit not his own doing or is it? I am Noah Slater after all. In your world on a bursary

 

. Smarter than all of them and yet at their mercy.

If you see an opportunity make a calculated inform decision and go for it.

If you have something special to offer put it out there don’t be a carbon copy.

In a world full of Kardashians be a Diana.

Chloe: Stranger than fiction

This is quite honestly the weirdest school year I’ve ever lived through. That includes moving from the most prestigious school in Cape Town to one of the top ten. There are things holding me together right now, such as my ability to 

  1. Ignore the hundreds of stupid people at this school
  2. Sit quietly (read hide) in the state of the art school library
  3. Not get hit on by lame boys who only want to date me because of HIM

I didn’t know leftovers was such a prized commodity around here. 

Yesterday, being Monday, I was paired up with some random guy for a science project. He’s so random. Maybe, it’s just nerves when I think about it. Am I that intimidating or something? The parents have started making plans to take us away for the winter holidays. Spain or Portugal. In that region. I haven’t heard from Charlie in a while though. If we went to the same school then I’d feel like less of a social outcast and more me again. But honestly who wants to hang out with those, NO BRAINERS, anyway. I’d rather take a thousand lashings rather than hang out with them. 

I hear them in the toilets. “Oh, Justin Bieber is so hot. He’s like the sun and I’ll be his stars.” And another, “I got my dad to book us a room at the ONE and ONLY hotel so that we could bump into him at breakfast… I didn’t see him but our server said he had totally sat at that exact table just earlier that same morning!” More annoying shrieking. As if! If I was some random famous person I’d be taking breakfast in my room thank you very much! But I digress. A friend of dad’s was driving Justin Bieber about from the very moment he set foot on Cape Town soil. SO … I could have met him if I’d wanted to but I don’t have any interest in someone who is only interested in himself.

That reminds me!

I’ve joined Our Shared Shelf! A feminist book club started by Emma Watson AKA Hermoine Granger herself! That’s what I’d rather go and do with my limited time on earth. I’d much rather become informed and interesting. Rather than hope some bodily fluid, flung off a tattooed lip syncing drivel expert will bind me to him for life. Cringe.

I’m not interested in the two-dimensional human being anymore. 

It must be tiring to try and be so perfect all the time. Last year Sara was the queen bee around school until HE left her and she didn’t come back to school after that. Over the weekend I saw her pushing a state of the art buggy through the shopping mall. She looked pretty haggard. I guess I now know where she disappeared to. It’s not her sibling either because when I asked mum if she knew if her mom had had another baby and mom said they’d both had hysterectomies around the same time. Princess Sara doesn’t have to lift a finger for a living either so she’s definitely not babysitting anyone’s little person. Like I said, she was looking haggard. 

Poor girl. 😉

Birthdays for teenagers

You know how teenagers say we don’t care about our birthdays and it’s just another day of the year – who cares right? Honestly, it’s a big bluff because I care about my birthday. I just wouldn’t put it out there.

Even though I had to sit through a family lunch and strained gift giving, I managed. My parents, as usual, were both ticked off because I had only stumbled through the front door at ten or maybe it was earlier. I’m not sure, but they were beside themselves because they’d gone round to grandmas’ to surprise me with the usual spiel after morning mass and of course, I wasn’t there.

But what a night! It was amazing. I danced on the table. Played bartender. Kissed some random called Owly without it going any further. I just wanted to be free for a few hours. I just wanted to feel normal and whole again. No one understands how broken and empty I feel. No one wants to understand. He didn’t even message me for my birthday.

I don’t know why I’m so stupid either. I knew he wouldn’t. He has an English girlfriend. She’s just everything I’m not. That hurt. He’s moved on and erased me like I meant nothing. So I wanted to do the same. I wanted to recreate my birthday and party like he never ever happened to me.

But today. Today I’m back at it. Journaling and planning my bright and beautiful future. I think, personally, that the best revenge is to become amazing. I went about it the wrong way before. Nearly destroying myself, my family and my future in the process.

I loved him so much. I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. I loved the way he just got me. Then I made it so easy for him to just ruin me. I gave away my power. Me. Chloe Vollenhoven. I am a woman. The most powerful creature in all creation and I tied all my worth to a boy. Not to my education which no one can take from me. Not my character which will help me be confident and open future doors for me. Not my family or friends who despite our fights will always support and love me. Nooo, a stupid boy. Full of hormones and with nothing to offer me but chocolates I could just have asked my dad to buy me.

And dad. I think I broke his heart. Stupid tears are spilling onto this cheap paper because I don’t like thinking about it. I’m his little girl. The only one who can make him do anything he really doesn’t want to and I ruin it. I don’t know if he will ever see me the same way again.

And mom. I know she can’t be broken. She’s the strongest woman I know. Even stronger than grandma. Okay, maybe not as strong but she’s strong too and I’ve shaken her. Like she’s scared for me.

And that just makes me scared for me too.

x

Chloe Vollenhoven Journal

I’m not always sure how to begin these journal entries.


Dear diary – too formal..

Nope. I’m just going to keep writing with wild abandon because, if it’s not broken why fix it. I’m only thinking about it because I spoke to a friend and she said writes to someone named Vodka. I haven’t written anything about Charlie. Mostly because there’s nothing to write about but also because I’ve just not felt like reminding my future self of all the bad things.

Dear future Chloe, I hope that when you read this you’ll remember how pathetic you are and you’ll laugh out loud while surrounded by your bodyguards because you are the youngest president in the history of forever, like the queen of England and you rock.

It’s my birthday.

I’m spending it with gran. She took me shopping for a gift and must have been wildly surprised when all I wanted was a biker jacket and books from the hottest YA reads for 2017. I feel like I need to start over again. Focus on my hobbies and my future and perhaps make a friend or two.

Can’t stop thinking about Grace and Priya. Last year we were enjoying the greatest party of the year and this year… well! I’ve got a plan. I know of someone in the old circle having a party tonight and I’m going to gatecrash and I’m taking Charlie with me. I know I shouldn’t drink on my antidepressants but I feel like letting loose and just being a teenage girl for this one night of my birthday. I definitely didn’t want to sit home or around a stuffy table with my parents trying to figure out whether they’ve said the wrong thing when I sigh or think too long. Watching them walk on eggshells around me like I’m fragile is causing me anxiety.

Mention the word anxiety and dad gets into a huff and mom is right by my side like I’ll collapse at any minute.  Gran is really the only one who still treats me like a normal person. Jack … he still doesn’t really talk to me and I miss him. I miss my little brother so very much. I wish I’d thought more about him before I’d been such a cow. I hate myself.

Charlie doesn’t know about … stuff. How do you tell a stranger that the only control you have over your life is a disease called anorexia? Although, it’s not as bad as that. I’m just fanatic. I was fanatic. You can exercise too much and eat too little. That’s a thing too. Didn’t know it would be such a huge thing though.

It’s my birthday. A year ago my life was perfect. A year ago it was the beginning of him and the end of me. Tonight a year ago I was the happiest girl in the world. Also slightly delirious from fever with my appendix bursting or something like that.

But tonight, a year later exactly, I’m going to be drunk as a skunk!

NEW: Book of the month!

First going to watch the Netflix series.

Being me: Chloe Vollenhoven 

Ever since I found out that dad did not cheat on mom I’ve been working up the courage to apologise to dad but he’s making it impossible. 

The night (he who shall not be named) and I followed my dad to the Cape Grace hotel, I was so sure dad was up to no good with the brunette hussy.  I didn’t recognise my own mother as the  femme fatale on his arm. She said she was going to aunt Janes’ after all.

It was cringe worthy when mom eventually sat me down because my comments where ‘out of order’ when directed at dad. 

And then I went off in a fit of rage and had sex because it was the only thing I knew would be most likely to get to my dad. Probably why I regretted it straight after. I felt sick. I guess this is where I realise I didn’t really ‘love’ HIM as much as I thought. I really was just in ‘like’ with him. 

I cried because I realised after all these months that I did it to myself. Snooping and assuming and spiting myself. Once dad realised my reasons for crying he stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me since.

Mom said she’s shocked. She thought I was smarter than that. Guess she was wrong then. I am definitely not smart enough to be running my own life. I make stupid, stupid choices. 😦

I hate my life so much. 😦