Day 22: Sipping on Rainbows

7e501438ed5e959df2c6b1971880bd8b.jpgDear Vodka

I found that my pillow was wet by the time I woke up.

I cried last night – in my sleep. 

The anti-depressants hit me pretty hard when I take them. What a lot of people don’t know is that anti-depressants eventually take you to an extreme low before they bring you up. I feel like crap. This just isn’t working out…

I went for a jog after I realised that Thomas was still asleep. I really needed to speak to him but I didn’t want him to worry about me again. I’d put him through enough hell already with my D&A. He was on holiday for Pete’s sake!

So, I went for a jog instead.

As I crossed the road onto the cycler’s path, I spotted a homeless man picking up his cardboard mattress and bags which he had obviously used to sleep on. I went over to him to help him because he looked like he needed the help. As I approached him and greeted, he looked at me with a disgusted scowl on his face. I motioned to help him but he mumbled on about “young kids of today” and “these privileged people showing fake sympathy to make themselves feel better,” ignoring my offer. I stood with my hands on my hips, demanding his attention. He violently waved his hand in the air, shooing me away. I sprinted home, tears pouring down my flushed cheeks, my heart beat pounding in my ears.

I told Sarah (my therapist) about it and she said that I probably felt guilty about something and that the man’s rejection triggered the emotional reaction I experienced. I felt a bit lighter when I got home but not quite okay. Perhaps I just needed food in my system. I opened the doors to the pantry and spotted a bottle of vodka. With wet eyes, I grabbed it and went into my room. I stared at the bottle lying in front of me, contemplating on whether or not to open it.

I walked to the kitchen and emptied the contents of the bottle into the sink, but not before some of it spilled onto my fingers. I smelt it, bringing it closer and closer to my desperate tongue. I couldn’t do it. I was weak now but I wouldn’t dig my own grave. Not again.

I sat under the piercing heat of the shower water as each droplet penetrated the surface of my skin, turning it pink. I sat and I sat, until I feel asleep.

I woke up in my PJs. But I wasn’t my bed. I was in Mum and Dad’s bed with Mum’s encompassing arms slowing dragging me back into the world of my subconscious…




Chloe Childs Pose

Hello again,  diary, slash journal slash failing social experiment.

I’ve been tardy with my recordings of late because I had exams and that’s more important when it takes all your time and energy. At least this year there is no boys taking my attention away.  I’ve aced the Piano exam. I managed to get lost in the music for the first time in forever and I’m not sure who was more shocked when it was over, my parents or my teacher. I wanted to say… Yeah, I’m able to play a symphony without making a single error now. But I wasn’t interested in bragging.

That horrible piece of my heart, Gabriel Rockerfeller has left back to New York.

Regret nothing they say but I regret the hell out of him if I’m honest. Aren’t I supposed to be too young for regrets? Well, no. Teenage girls are full of all kinds of regrets. Falling in love with the school hottie, having sex with him because he told me that he loved me and failing my entire school year! Well, yes. Regrets – I have a truckload.

Otherwise, I’m attending therapy twice a week like clockwork. I get gorgeous emails from Finn every few days. Mom and I are on speaking terms for a long while now. Dad can now finally look me in the eyes again and Jack and I are still good. Charlie?

I’m not sure what’s happening with Charlie anymore. I never see her. Sadly, she’s like my only friend but we never see each other. Ever. We text though. Just the usual ‘hows your day been?’ but her reply is always just ‘my day was manic!’ To be fair my usual response is normally, ‘my days was insane.’ If only Charlie knew just how insane some days are.

I’m looking to add some unusual skill to my repertoire. I’m not sure what yet. I’m mad about pottery. Mom and I took a few pottery classes earlier this year. That could be cool but I think one of those sculpting wheels would be expensive and with my treatments and the stays in the clinic this year, I think my parents aren’t in the position to invest in something so… permanent. Then looking through Pinterest I found calligraphy under hobbies and it seems to be the ‘it’ thing. Some people are managing to turn it into a small business. So, that could be cool. But would I have the time though?

Oh! Now, that I’m officially on holiday I’ve taken to reading moms’ Harry Potter collection. I started reading the Philosophers’ stone once but I must have got distracted because my leggy bookmark was in the book waiting for me, like an old friend. 🙂 Finn has been reading Harry Potter lately which is why I’m reading it. Damn it! Writing it down on paper makes me realise that I’m doing it again. I’m doing things because the boy in my life is doing them. Now, I’m doubting whether I even like Harry Potter books at all or do I like it because Finn likes it? This is awful. 😦

This is awful. 😦

Clean slates

I saw him. And he saw me.

Shock! A sharp intake of breath.

Dear diary, if you were an actual breathing human being on the other side of this stupid pen and paper what would you say? Would you tell me to just forget about him? Would you tell me that it gets better in the end? Would you tell me that someday I’ll wonder what I ever saw in him? And remind me that I have sweet, darling, Finn? Would you also tell me that first boyfriends have a reputation of being awful pigs?


I saw him. And he saw me.

Lungs burning. Eyes stinging. A complete exhale.

Would you believe that he just looked at me as they passed me by? Today. In the mall. While I was out with mum.

I accidentally steered mom in the direction of Burger King in my haste to avoid her seeing them too and she ACTUALLY thought I felt like a fucking burger!!! I don’t think I have any more tears left in my body because I’m crying and no tears seem to form. My head is thumping and my ribs ache. My throat is dry and scratchy. Still, no tears. I’m all tapped out.

I wish I had access to a time machine. Not to go back in time. I’d like to go forward. I want to know what happens the day I die. I want to know everything.

Am I old? Is it next week? I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly found myself at St Peter’s door next Wednesday. Would be easy that. To slip away into the darkness… but then I think about what gran has said again and again. I’ve put up on my bedroom mirror… scribbled it on the cover of every one of my school books…


I know it’s just something to try and convince me there is a future but if I’d succeeded in cutting my wrist last January I wouldn’t have been around to be in Germany. I would have missed out on meeting Finn and Finn is wonderful. Mum says there are many more Finns and Charlies’ out there in the world. Although, the ones I have are pretty amazing.

Exams are killer but they’ve been the focus of my last few weeks. I’ve read and reread all of Finn’s emails to me. He sends me the most gorgeous photos. He wants to be a professional photographer but I’ve seen his charcoal sketches and I think he’ll make an amazing whatever his beautiful soul wants him to be.

But that makes me wonder about what my own future holds and I don’t want to think about that too much. I’ve been working with my therapist and she’s been amazing. No drama. No condescension. Just support and non-judgement. And my parents, of course, they are both exhausting and understanding in equal measure. I’m told to put myself in their shoes in almost every session. I don’t complain about them anymore. I’m trying not to manipulate them. Trying not to lose my temper.

But sometimes… like with the whole burger thing… even I don’t have enough zen left.

Day 16: Gran’s puuurfect surprise!

penned by: Julia Smith




Dear Vodka,

Getting home, I was beyond exhausted from school. Neither Mum, Dad or Thomas were home, so I was forced to call Aiden for a ride to Gran Lilith’s. He handed me a note the day before which read:

We need to talk in private. Don’t let anyone know about this.                                                     A. A.      x 


It gave me the chills, to be honest. He picked me up shortly after the call in his Jeep. The dusty sunset orange one. The one I secretly love because it’s open on the sides.

No one was smiling however when I got into the Jeep. What was going on? Especially since Aiden is never serious when I’m around. I asked him about it but he said that he’d tell me once I’ve finished my business at Gran’s’. Frankly, he was freaking me out. Gran recognised him from the last time and invited him in for tea but I made some lame excuse about a group project that was due tomorrow and that we needed to get on with it.  SO… my visit was brisk. I’d forgotten about Gran’s surprise until she stopped me just as I was about to leave with my cat Lava and a few of my things. She gingerly handed me a small box ordering me to take it with both hands. Guess what?! It was a kitten! I almost made Gran Lilith lose her balance when I jumped on her. I hugged her so tight!

She’s perfect!

When we got back into the Jeep, Aiden made a joke about naming the kitten, Ash. I laughed because then I’d have Ash and Lava. Get it? I thought about his suggestion but decided against it. If I lost Aiden in any way, the kitten would be a constant reminder of him if I did name her Ash. We brainstormed names and eventually settled on Lily because of her snow-white coat. By the time we dropped them off at home, Thomas was there already, so I entrusted him with taking care of Lava and Lily.

We drove to Bean Therapy and I ordered an espresso whereas Aiden ordered his usual decaf latte. It made sense now! He suffered from insomnia because of his parents and best friend! I almost shouted it out once I realised it as he ordered his decaf latte. We spoke for hours and we also happened to be the last people at the café. After all that, I knew that Aiden needed me for a little while longer, so I suggested we drive down to the beach and watch the sunset. We sat in complete silence. We watched as the sun disappeared into the sea, taking its last breath so that the moon could come alive. I took Aiden’s hand in mine and he didn’t pull away. We sat for a little while longer until we both came to our senses and realised that we still had tons of homework to complete. We listened to The Japanese House as he drove me home. I hugged him tight before he left. He needed to know that I would always be there for him; that I wouldn’t abandon him. He is mine now and I am his, and as long as we both fight for our friendship, nothing can separate us. He’s teaching me how to surf on Friday.

There goes the neighbourhood!



Day 15: Wishbone. Funny Bone. Backbone.

penned by: Julia Smith


Dear Vodka

It’s been great living under the same roof as Mum and Dad again. Thomas and I keep on pranking Mum and Dad but they’ve gotten us back after we accidentally broke late Aunt Rita’s glass vase that she bestowed upon Mum in her will. Mum was pretty upset but Thomas promised that we would cook dinner for the next week.

I slapped Thomas the moment Mum was out of the room. Thomas is a great cook. The only thing I know how to do is make waffles and all those basic breakfast-y stuff. I always end up burning the food. I can’t help it. So, out of anger, I told Thomas that, since he came up with the brilliant idea, he’d be doing it all by himself. I felt bad afterwards and bought him the entire Game of Thrones collection from my savings. It was an impulsive buy but I hated seeing Thomas upset. He wasn’t upset per say but I felt guilty for being so nasty.

I woke up to Ellie’s face.

I thought I was dreaming but then I smelt Thomas’s famous Belgian waffles from the kitchen and I knew that that meant I was late because Thomas only wakes up when I leave for school. I blushed like a burnt tomato when I saw Theo in the kitchen. I was still in my PJ’s as I made my way through the kitchen into Thomas’s room to use his en suite shower. I heard Thomas, Theo and Ellie burst out laughing as I ran half-naked into the room, straight into the shower. Okay. Confession time: when I say ‘PJ’s’ I mean knickers and a t-shirt. I felt so embarrassed but after a searing hot shower with the linger of berry shower gel still on me, I got over the worst of it and I laughed about it afterwards. 

Any way…Theo dropped us off at school and I bumped into Aiden as I made my way to my locker. He greeted me briefly and slipped a note into my hand. I wanted to reach for him but he was out of sight in a flash. It was kind of strange. I spent the rest of the day going from class to class, each one presenting more homework than the former. At the end of the day, I’d acquired five sets of homework! Something good came out of my day, however, when I acquainted myself with Tanner, a boy in my Literature class with extremely sleek blonde hair and ocean blue eyes, and Kennedy, a girl in my Geography class who looks Brazillian. Turns out her mother is actually Brazillian and her father Canadian. That’s an interesting combination. We had lunch together. Tanner is quite the adrenaline junkie. Kennedy is class president and enjoys playing the piano.

I looked back on the day and felt quite blessed. Gran Lilith called me earlier. She said that she’s going on a cruise ship to the Caribbean Islands with Bridget on Friday. I promised to come around tomorrow to fetch Lava. Gran Lilith says that she’s got a surprise for me when I come. I wonder what it is. Knowing Gran Lilith, it’s probably something Mum won’t approve of.

Oh well, ciao for now!





To the only Chloe who matters

from: Finn Schmidt
to: Chloe Vollenhoven
date: 26 August 2017 at 00.12
subject: fwd, fwd, re:

Hi Chloe,

Oh my God! I finally saw that email you sent. I am sorry. We are still enjoying the last of our Summer vacations but that’s not your fault.

Where shall I begin? I’ve been away with my friends and your cousin to Spain. Boys only. This made me want to talk to you everyday. Once I imagined that you were talking to someone down at this little private beach but she wasn’t you. I felt dissapointed. Is that how you say it?? My English isn’t good.
Help me when I fail you.

How are your father and mother? I think about your last few emails all the day. I think I can hear your voice when I read them. This makes me smile.

How is my little friend Jack? Tell him I’ve got a few new collectable toys for him. You told me not to post it so I won’t. When I have saved up enough money for a ticket, I will visit you in person.

Did that make you smile Chloe? Did I make you smile? The beautiful smile that lifts at the corners of your mouth and makes your eyes close? How I wish to see you now.

Like I said before… I saw your email from that awful boy. I won’t say a bad word so that you will have to read it. I hate boys like him. He sounds like a selfish boy with no kindness in his heart. I can only assume from this that he is a handsome boy. Why else would a girl like you want to be with a boy like that?
Good for him if he has a girlfriend Chloe. She obviously does not know his true self yet. Feel sorry for her. Don’t feel jealousy. That boy doesn’t deserve you.

I am feeling rage. Is that right? I am feeling rage?
If you help me with my English I can get full points on my exams next semester.

Wish you would come to Germany to stay. It would be good to have you here all the time.

Talk soon.
Finn heart Chloe. Something like that. 😉


PS new music playlist as long as my (you know what) waiting for you in our special loscation.
PSS now I know I’ve made you smile, definitely.
PPSS I am smiling too. So hard my face hurts and I can’t stop.


Please send my best to your father, mother and Jack and your friend who works at the book store… Also starts with a C. I forget… I’m so bad with names.

xxx wish these were real xxx

G.R Email / Dearest Chloe

Dearest Chloe,
It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.

Kindly, Gabrial.

PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.