It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.
PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.
This hasn’t been the easiest week for me.
It’s been freezing cold again and with most of my body fat gone my teeth are rattling most of the day. I’ve started getting strange looks and whispers but I don’t care much. Gossip all you want. Only means I’m THAT important.
Mom and dad have been at me all week. I’ve had two counselling sessions and been for a full body work up this week. If someone tells me I need to eat just one more time I think I’ll stop eating just to spite them. I just don’t see the point in putting all that into my body. Mom made me watch To The Bone on Netflix. I rolled my eyes a lot. Why does everyone seem to think I have anorexia? Why does my lifestyle need to be labelled? So I’m very conscientious of a number of calories I put in my body. It doesn’t mean I have or will ever be anorexic.
I tried explaining that to my counsellor who then told me ‘If that is how you feel Chloe, then you need to tell me. It’s the only way we are going to be able to get to the bottom of this.’
Sometimes I just want to look him in the face and ask him if he’s happy to have ruined my life? I was such a normal happy human being before he walked in all beautiful and confused. I gave him my virginity and he tossed me aside like I was meaningless. Am I meaningless? Is this what I’m trying to achieve? Meaning?
I tried finding Noah – which I did. He just appeared, said: Chloe and then pulled his half of the science project out of a folder. So I gave him my full report. He casually weighed it in his hands before cocking his eyebrow at the fact that I’d had the grace to credit him for my work. After a good ten minutes, we both handed each project back but he said I could do whatever I wanted with his. I don’t know if he was angry because I’d done our assignment by myself but then he should have answered one of my many emails or messages. Noah can grow up and talk to me whenever he feels like it again. I’m not going to grovel at another mans’ feet again.
But maybe just one mans.
Dad has been by my side this whole week. He has stopped running with me in the morning. We’ve been having breakfast every morning. Just the two of us. He watches my every bite and it makes me want to throw up just so we can stop this charade but I know that is going to destroy our fragile relationship. He just said that he thought we were making progress. He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do.
I said: Please dad, don’t give up on me.
Then he folded me into his arms.
I asked mom for some time to be just us.
Then I dropped the bomb that I’ve been dishonest about my eating habits. She was confused because she does the surprise weigh ins and bedroom checks. I felt forced to explain to her that I’d been burying my food in the back yard. That I’ve been cheating with by padding my weight with strap weights.
The guilt took my appetite away.
The look on her face. Watching the blood drain from her face. Seeing her face crumble. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what my parents are going to do. Maybe doing it the day before school starts wasn’t such a smart move but I promised Finn I’d tell her. Now I have. We walked through Poetry for a while. It’s her favourite shop. The quiet, the scents that hang in the air, the bohemian clothing, the homeware and food. I think she wishes our home were more like a Poetry store. 🙂 I’m smiling but at the same time, I have absolutely no energy. I’ve been on the couch with Jack watching movies all day. Mom and dad have been cooking and talking in that quiet way parents talk when something is wrong. I’m what’s wrong this time. We had bowls of creamy chicken soup for lunch earlier and I could feel dad watching me. Even if he didn’t want to be watching me, I know he’s worried.
We came so far together. I want to get better but I know I don’t have any control over what I’m doing to myself. I thought I was getting better but I am definitely not. Finn is right. I can’t be in a relationship. A relationship blew me to pieces. A relationship won’t be the thing that puts me back together. I have to find a way of doing that by myself.
Jack and I got out a few of the water colour paints and I’ve been going at it for an hour. He’s making water colour origami shapes for an art installation at school. My six years old genius baby brother. I have a Skype date with Elias and Greta tonight. I can’t wait. Finn sent me on my wa y with an iPod full of songs for strong women. 🙂 And two novels he’d like my opinion on neither of which I haven’t opened yet. The physical book is called, The Girl Before by JP Delaney. I’ve not heard about it but that’s the best books to read. The unknown ones. The other he purchased on my Kindle Fire and that one’s called, The Last Magician by Lisa Maxwell. He want’s my opinion.
Finn makes me smile. He makes all of me smile.
I guess sometime this week I’ll have to meet with my doctor and then we’ll go from there. I’ll have to see Noah too and hopefully, we can be friends again. Although I’m still unsure of what has happened.
My science project is complete. If he hasn’t done anything he can have whatever mark I get with pleasure. I have bigger fish to fry.
Maybe Charlie will be willing to get together for hot chocolate but then she is starting a new school this week… I doubt our friendship will go very from here on in.
I can’t believe holidays are almost over and I’m back in cold rainy Cape Town.
I’ve been at this Science thing since I woke up on Friday morning. Dad went out to work. Mom and Jack cuddled up in her bed and then passed out leaving the house quiet enough for me to lose myself in my research. I don’t know what I feel when I think about Noah just vanishing into thin air. When I think about it, my emotions range from relief to hot anger. It’s insane. I barely know him.
She’s been really cool. She has been calling and texting non-stop. It’s like I actually have a friend. I really hope she considers herself my friend or considers me a friend. I know I haven’t been much of a friend. Perhaps I should try and invite her over for next weekend. Perhaps if we tried spending time together one on one I’d stop feeling weird around her. She has lots going on in her life at the moment. It’s a mix of do I ask questions and will she think I’m nosy? Do I keep quiet and listen and make her think I’m aloof? Do I spill all my crazy? She won’t be my friend then… Perhaps I’ll just stick to normal teenage girl topics like boys, novels, fashion and general politics.
Finn and the family
Well, what can I say about the perfect week? It’s been too long since I felt this happy. Genuinely happy. Finn didn’t want anything more than friendship which, I’ll admit made me feel sad and awful about myself but then I gave him the chance to explain it to me. Watching all those romcoms has taught me to hear the other person out to avoid misunderstandings. We live on separate continents. We attend different schools. We are only 17 and 18 years old. We barely know one another. Finn doesn’t think people should just decide to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We should actually be friends first. He said he thought I was more than just beautiful. He also mentioned, and I was shocked at how observant he was, that I seemed sad.
And I have been sad. I’ve been really lonely too. I lost Gabriel.
So I told Finn all about Gabriel Rockerfellar. I cried like a girl with a broken heart and since then I’ve felt better. Greta overheard mom and dad discussing my mental disorder with aunty Zelda and asked me about it in front of Finn and Elias. I wanted to be angry but I decided that if I was going to start rebuilding my life I have to be honest. So I told them everything. They were shocked. I however, felt relieved. Lighter somehow. Then when I looked over at Finn, his eyes were glossy but he quickly looked away before Jack came crashing in, saving him I’d say. But, I can’t say things changed after that.
If today was anything, it sure was full of surprises! I was head-over-heels when I called Chloe and she told me that she’d met this super cute guy named Finn. I immediately started imagining what he looked like and what their children would look like if they ever decided to procreate. Seriously, Charlie!? Okay, that was just weird!
She told me all about her cousins, Elias and Greta. Hearing her voice made me happy. I can’t wait to see her again. Truth is, I don’t know whether I’ll see her again considering how much she is enjoying herself over there. In the short time that I’ve known Chloe, I’ve learnt that once she becomes comfortable in a place, she becomes attached, especially when there’s a guy involved. When I spoke to her, it sounded as though she wanted to set up camp and stay there forever. We each agreed to keep in contact at least every second day since school is starting soon.
Argh! Thinking about going to a new school where I have to make the effort to be nice to everyone all over again makes me feel kind of bleh! Teenagers are so meh…I mean look at me! Don’t I bore you with my endless rants and complaints? I know I do. Therefore, to kick start my improved attitude, I’ve started this new routine where I wake up a bit earlier to do yoga each morning so that I can calm my thoughts. I’d then have a good solid breakfast and proceed with the rest of the day. I realised that when I don’t eat breakfast in the morning, I become as cranky and pessimistic as ever. I found the problem; it’s now time to implement a solution!
From now onward, you’ll have a front row seat to the new Charlie. I’ve simply decided that being bitter about everything only makes my life more miserable and deprived. I can’t live like that forever. I want to be happy for goodness sake!
I have me first group therapy session tomorrow and school starts on Monday. I don’t want to think about it too much. I guess I’ll hope for the best and stay optimistic. I seriously want to change. Maybe then Mum would open up to me and we could have an actual relationship. Dad said that he’d drive me to group therapy tomorrow. I haven’t seen him in a while but he promised to make it up to me by teaching me how to drive. There goes the neighbourhood!I’m so excited!Wish me luck then!
My day started off with a rigorous cardio workout and a relaxing jog on the beach before I met up with Aiden for kickboxing classes. Yeah, I know. There’s a lot that people don’t know about me but I prefer it that way. Mystery captivates the mind. Everyone thinks that Aiden and I are an item but we’re not. We agreed to be strictly friends that day we went for a bike ride. It’s less complicated that way.
Either way, Aiden is not the subject of today’s entry. Lydia is. We agreed to meet up at the beach down by the multi-coloured sheds but she changed her mind at the last minute. She wanted to meet up at Bean Therapy instead. I was hesitant. Bean Therapy is my happy place. A place I go to with friends. I didn’t want the memory of our meeting to linger around there after. I obliged nonetheless. Lydia gets what Lydia wants.
I have to admit, Vodka, she still looks as gorgeous as ever. Okay, maybe that was an understatement. The first glimpse of her made my heart race and my breath quicken. I watched as the sunlight played with the jet black strands of her long silky hair, making them appear navy blue. She still had those same soft features- playful black eyes, small nose and smooth deep pink lips. She wore a black velvet crop top with the silver choker that had a sun token hanging from it. It was the one I gave to her last Easter after we separated. I bought it before everything fell apart. Before I knew that my heart would be shattered by the intense love I had for this single amazing human being who I would’ve walked through fire for.
Was I seriously going through with this? Yes. It had to be done. I’ve always believed in talking things through. Over coffee, preferably. Lydia knows that too. Must’ve been why she wanted to come here instead.
Being the bright spark of life that she is, I couldn’t find it within myself to stay angry at her. We caught up on our old memories together; how life has changed since then. I wanted to say so much more than that. I wanted to yell at her. To tell her how much she messed me up. She was a tornado dressed as a drizzle of rain after a long drought. I wanted to tell her how loving her was selfish, that we should’ve never let it go so far. I needed to tell her all these things and more. But I couldn’t. Some part of me regrets not telling her. One thing was for sure though, Lydia could never know about my depression and anxiety. Ever. I needed her to think that I was strong. She had to, like she always has. I don’t want people to think that she’s the antagonist. She never was. After all, it takes two to tango! At that time in my life with she was exactly what I needed. No one can deny that. You can’t dismiss relationships and burn bridges because things don’t work out. It doesn’t work like that. I’m wiser for it now.
Before we left the coffee shop, she reached for my hand and drew me in closer. Her scent was enough to make me lightheaded. It was the anxiety. I could feel it coming on. I hate being so weak. So dependent. So undecided and fragile. The truth is, everyone is behind closed doors. They’re just to scared to admit it. I pulled away from her before it could go any further. I didn’t want her pity kisses.
I haven’t taken my antidepressants in two days. No wonder I’ve been feeling so off. I figured I’d wean myself off them. Miranda, my shrink, and my Mum don’t need to know. What happened last year really threw me off the wagon but I refuse to be dependent on drugs to keep me sane.
After all, sanity is overrated!