Chloe Childs Pose

Hello again,  diary, slash journal slash failing social experiment.

I’ve been tardy with my recordings of late because I had exams and that’s more important when it takes all your time and energy. At least this year there is no boys taking my attention away.  I’ve aced the Piano exam. I managed to get lost in the music for the first time in forever and I’m not sure who was more shocked when it was over, my parents or my teacher. I wanted to say… Yeah, I’m able to play a symphony without making a single error now. But I wasn’t interested in bragging.

That horrible piece of my heart, Gabriel Rockerfeller has left back to New York.

Regret nothing they say but I regret the hell out of him if I’m honest. Aren’t I supposed to be too young for regrets? Well, no. Teenage girls are full of all kinds of regrets. Falling in love with the school hottie, having sex with him because he told me that he loved me and failing my entire school year! Well, yes. Regrets – I have a truckload.

Otherwise, I’m attending therapy twice a week like clockwork. I get gorgeous emails from Finn every few days. Mom and I are on speaking terms for a long while now. Dad can now finally look me in the eyes again and Jack and I are still good. Charlie?

I’m not sure what’s happening with Charlie anymore. I never see her. Sadly, she’s like my only friend but we never see each other. Ever. We text though. Just the usual ‘hows your day been?’ but her reply is always just ‘my day was manic!’ To be fair my usual response is normally, ‘my days was insane.’ If only Charlie knew just how insane some days are.

I’m looking to add some unusual skill to my repertoire. I’m not sure what yet. I’m mad about pottery. Mom and I took a few pottery classes earlier this year. That could be cool but I think one of those sculpting wheels would be expensive and with my treatments and the stays in the clinic this year, I think my parents aren’t in the position to invest in something so… permanent. Then looking through Pinterest I found calligraphy under hobbies and it seems to be the ‘it’ thing. Some people are managing to turn it into a small business. So, that could be cool. But would I have the time though?

Oh! Now, that I’m officially on holiday I’ve taken to reading moms’ Harry Potter collection. I started reading the Philosophers’ stone once but I must have got distracted because my leggy bookmark was in the book waiting for me, like an old friend. 🙂 Finn has been reading Harry Potter lately which is why I’m reading it. Damn it! Writing it down on paper makes me realise that I’m doing it again. I’m doing things because the boy in my life is doing them. Now, I’m doubting whether I even like Harry Potter books at all or do I like it because Finn likes it? This is awful. 😦

This is awful. 😦

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Clean slates

I saw him. And he saw me.

Shock! A sharp intake of breath.

Dear diary, if you were an actual breathing human being on the other side of this stupid pen and paper what would you say? Would you tell me to just forget about him? Would you tell me that it gets better in the end? Would you tell me that someday I’ll wonder what I ever saw in him? And remind me that I have sweet, darling, Finn? Would you also tell me that first boyfriends have a reputation of being awful pigs?

Perhaps.

I saw him. And he saw me.

Lungs burning. Eyes stinging. A complete exhale.

Would you believe that he just looked at me as they passed me by? Today. In the mall. While I was out with mum.

I accidentally steered mom in the direction of Burger King in my haste to avoid her seeing them too and she ACTUALLY thought I felt like a fucking burger!!! I don’t think I have any more tears left in my body because I’m crying and no tears seem to form. My head is thumping and my ribs ache. My throat is dry and scratchy. Still, no tears. I’m all tapped out.

I wish I had access to a time machine. Not to go back in time. I’d like to go forward. I want to know what happens the day I die. I want to know everything.

Am I old? Is it next week? I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly found myself at St Peter’s door next Wednesday. Would be easy that. To slip away into the darkness… but then I think about what gran has said again and again. I’ve put up on my bedroom mirror… scribbled it on the cover of every one of my school books…

ALL OF THIS IS JUST A SEASON IN TIME. IN 10 YEARS FROM NOW WHERE WILL YOU BE?

I know it’s just something to try and convince me there is a future but if I’d succeeded in cutting my wrist last January I wouldn’t have been around to be in Germany. I would have missed out on meeting Finn and Finn is wonderful. Mum says there are many more Finns and Charlies’ out there in the world. Although, the ones I have are pretty amazing.

Exams are killer but they’ve been the focus of my last few weeks. I’ve read and reread all of Finn’s emails to me. He sends me the most gorgeous photos. He wants to be a professional photographer but I’ve seen his charcoal sketches and I think he’ll make an amazing whatever his beautiful soul wants him to be.

But that makes me wonder about what my own future holds and I don’t want to think about that too much. I’ve been working with my therapist and she’s been amazing. No drama. No condescension. Just support and non-judgement. And my parents, of course, they are both exhausting and understanding in equal measure. I’m told to put myself in their shoes in almost every session. I don’t complain about them anymore. I’m trying not to manipulate them. Trying not to lose my temper.

But sometimes… like with the whole burger thing… even I don’t have enough zen left.

To the only Chloe who matters

from: Finn Schmidt
to: Chloe Vollenhoven
date: 26 August 2017 at 00.12
subject: fwd, fwd, re:

Hi Chloe,

Oh my God! I finally saw that email you sent. I am sorry. We are still enjoying the last of our Summer vacations but that’s not your fault.

Where shall I begin? I’ve been away with my friends and your cousin to Spain. Boys only. This made me want to talk to you everyday. Once I imagined that you were talking to someone down at this little private beach but she wasn’t you. I felt dissapointed. Is that how you say it?? My English isn’t good.
Help me when I fail you.

How are your father and mother? I think about your last few emails all the day. I think I can hear your voice when I read them. This makes me smile.

How is my little friend Jack? Tell him I’ve got a few new collectable toys for him. You told me not to post it so I won’t. When I have saved up enough money for a ticket, I will visit you in person.

Did that make you smile Chloe? Did I make you smile? The beautiful smile that lifts at the corners of your mouth and makes your eyes close? How I wish to see you now.

Like I said before… I saw your email from that awful boy. I won’t say a bad word so that you will have to read it. I hate boys like him. He sounds like a selfish boy with no kindness in his heart. I can only assume from this that he is a handsome boy. Why else would a girl like you want to be with a boy like that?
Good for him if he has a girlfriend Chloe. She obviously does not know his true self yet. Feel sorry for her. Don’t feel jealousy. That boy doesn’t deserve you.

Sorry.
I am feeling rage. Is that right? I am feeling rage?
If you help me with my English I can get full points on my exams next semester.

Wish you would come to Germany to stay. It would be good to have you here all the time.

Talk soon.
Finn heart Chloe. Something like that. 😉

xxx

PS new music playlist as long as my (you know what) waiting for you in our special loscation.
PSS now I know I’ve made you smile, definitely.
PPSS I am smiling too. So hard my face hurts and I can’t stop.

xxx

Please send my best to your father, mother and Jack and your friend who works at the book store… Also starts with a C. I forget… I’m so bad with names.

xxx wish these were real xxx

G.R Email / Dearest Chloe

Dearest Chloe,
It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.

Kindly, Gabrial.

PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.
;-)ciao

Me and my big mouth

This hasn’t been the easiest week for me.

It’s been freezing cold again and with most of my body fat gone my teeth are rattling most of the day. I’ve started getting strange looks and whispers but I don’t care much. Gossip all you want. Only means I’m THAT important.

Mom and dad have been at me all week. I’ve had two counselling sessions and been for a full body work up this week. If someone tells me I need to eat just one more time I think I’ll stop eating just to spite them. I just don’t see the point in putting all that into my body. Mom made me watch To The Bone on Netflix. I rolled my eyes a lot. Why does everyone seem to think I have anorexia? Why does my lifestyle need to be labelled? So I’m very conscientious of a number of calories I put in my body. It doesn’t mean I have or will ever be anorexic.

I tried explaining that to my counsellor who then told me ‘If that is how you feel Chloe, then you need to tell me. It’s the only way we are going to be able to get to the bottom of this.’

Sometimes I just want to look him in the face and ask him if he’s happy to have ruined my life? I was such a normal happy human being before he walked in all beautiful and confused. I gave him my virginity and he tossed me aside like I was meaningless. Am I meaningless? Is this what I’m trying to achieve? Meaning?

I tried finding Noah – which I did. He just appeared, said: Chloe and then pulled his half of the science project out of a folder. So I gave him my full report. He casually weighed it in his hands before cocking his eyebrow at the fact that I’d had the grace to credit him for my work. After a good ten minutes, we both handed each project back but he said I could do whatever I wanted with his. I don’t know if he was angry because I’d done our assignment by myself but then he should have answered one of my many emails or messages. Noah can grow up and talk to me whenever he feels like it again. I’m not going to grovel at another mans’ feet again.

But maybe just one mans.

Dad has been by my side this whole week. He has stopped running with me in the morning. We’ve been having breakfast every morning. Just the two of us. He watches my every bite and it makes me want to throw up just so we can stop this charade but I know that is going to destroy our fragile relationship. He just said that he thought we were making progress. He asked me if there was anything I needed him to do.

I said: Please dad, don’t give up on me.

Then he folded me into his arms.

Chloe Diary Novel: Honesty Sunday

I asked mom for some time to be just us.

Then I dropped the bomb that I’ve been dishonest about my eating habits. She was confused because she does the surprise weigh ins and bedroom checks. I felt forced to explain to her that I’d been burying my food in the back yard. That I’ve been cheating with by padding my weight with strap weights.

The guilt took my appetite away.

The look on her face. Watching the blood drain from her face. Seeing her face crumble. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what my parents are going to do. Maybe doing it the day before school starts wasn’t such a smart move but I promised Finn I’d tell her. Now I have. We walked through Poetry for a while. It’s her favourite shop. The quiet, the scents that hang in the air, the bohemian clothing, the homeware and food. I think she wishes our home were more like a Poetry store. 🙂 I’m smiling but at the same time, I have absolutely no energy. I’ve been on the couch with Jack watching movies all day. Mom and dad have been cooking and talking in that quiet way parents talk when something is wrong. I’m what’s wrong this time. We had bowls of creamy chicken soup for lunch earlier and I could feel dad watching me. Even if he didn’t want to be watching me, I know he’s worried.

We came so far together. I want to get better but I know I don’t have any control over what I’m doing to myself. I thought I was getting better but I am definitely not. Finn is right. I can’t be in a relationship. A relationship blew me to pieces. A relationship won’t be the thing that puts me back together. I have to find a way of doing that by myself.

Jack and I got out a few of the water colour paints and I’ve been going at it for an hour. He’s making water colour origami shapes for an art installation at school. My six years old genius baby brother. I have a Skype date with Elias and Greta tonight. I can’t wait. Finn sent me on my wa y with an iPod full of songs for strong women. 🙂 And two novels he’d like my opinion on neither of which I haven’t opened yet. The physical book is called, The Girl Before by JP Delaney. I’ve not heard about it but that’s the best books to read. The unknown ones. The other he purchased on my Kindle Fire and that one’s called, The Last Magician by Lisa Maxwell. He want’s my opinion.

Finn makes me smile. He makes all of me smile.

I guess sometime this week I’ll have to meet with my doctor and then we’ll go from there. I’ll have to see Noah too and hopefully, we can be friends again. Although I’m still unsure of what has happened.

My science project is complete. If he hasn’t done anything he can have whatever mark I get with pleasure. I have bigger fish to fry.

Maybe Charlie will be willing to get together for hot chocolate but then she is starting a new school this week… I doubt our friendship will go very from here on in.

😦

Home, books & friends…

I can’t believe holidays are almost over and I’m back in cold rainy Cape Town.

I’ve been at this Science thing since I woke up on Friday morning. Dad went out to work. Mom and Jack cuddled up in her bed and then passed out leaving the house quiet enough for me to lose myself in my research. I don’t know what I feel when I think about Noah just vanishing into thin air. When I think about it, my emotions range from relief to hot anger. It’s insane. I barely know him.

Charlie

She’s been really cool. She has been calling and texting non-stop. It’s like I actually have a friend. I really hope she considers herself my friend or considers me a friend. I know I haven’t been much of a friend. Perhaps I should try and invite her over for next weekend. Perhaps if we tried spending time together one on one I’d stop feeling weird around her. She has lots going on in her life at the moment. It’s a mix of do I ask questions and will she think I’m nosy? Do I keep quiet and listen and make her think I’m aloof? Do I spill all my crazy? She won’t be my friend then… Perhaps I’ll just stick to normal teenage girl topics like boys, novels, fashion and general politics.

Finn and the family

Well, what can I say about the perfect week? It’s been too long since I felt this happy. Genuinely happy. Finn didn’t want anything more than friendship which, I’ll admit made me feel sad and awful about myself but then I gave him the chance to explain it to me. Watching all those romcoms has taught me to hear the other person out to avoid misunderstandings. We live on separate continents. We attend different schools. We are only 17 and 18 years old. We barely know one another. Finn doesn’t think people should just decide to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We should actually be friends first. He said he thought I was more than just beautiful. He also mentioned, and I was shocked at how observant he was, that I seemed sad.

And I have been sad. I’ve been really lonely too. I lost Gabriel.

So I told Finn all about Gabriel Rockerfellar. I cried like a girl with a broken heart and since then I’ve felt better. Greta overheard mom and dad discussing my mental disorder with aunty Zelda and asked me about it in front of Finn and Elias. I wanted to be angry but I decided that if I was going to start rebuilding my life I have to be honest. So I told them everything. They were shocked. I however, felt relieved. Lighter somehow. Then when I looked over at Finn, his eyes were glossy but he quickly looked away before Jack came crashing in, saving him I’d say. But, I can’t say things changed after that.

🙂