Day 22: Sipping on Rainbows

7e501438ed5e959df2c6b1971880bd8b.jpgDear Vodka

I found that my pillow was wet by the time I woke up.

I cried last night – in my sleep. 

The anti-depressants hit me pretty hard when I take them. What a lot of people don’t know is that anti-depressants eventually take you to an extreme low before they bring you up. I feel like crap. This just isn’t working out…

I went for a jog after I realised that Thomas was still asleep. I really needed to speak to him but I didn’t want him to worry about me again. I’d put him through enough hell already with my D&A. He was on holiday for Pete’s sake!

So, I went for a jog instead.

As I crossed the road onto the cycler’s path, I spotted a homeless man picking up his cardboard mattress and bags which he had obviously used to sleep on. I went over to him to help him because he looked like he needed the help. As I approached him and greeted, he looked at me with a disgusted scowl on his face. I motioned to help him but he mumbled on about “young kids of today” and “these privileged people showing fake sympathy to make themselves feel better,” ignoring my offer. I stood with my hands on my hips, demanding his attention. He violently waved his hand in the air, shooing me away. I sprinted home, tears pouring down my flushed cheeks, my heart beat pounding in my ears.

I told Sarah (my therapist) about it and she said that I probably felt guilty about something and that the man’s rejection triggered the emotional reaction I experienced. I felt a bit lighter when I got home but not quite okay. Perhaps I just needed food in my system. I opened the doors to the pantry and spotted a bottle of vodka. With wet eyes, I grabbed it and went into my room. I stared at the bottle lying in front of me, contemplating on whether or not to open it.

I walked to the kitchen and emptied the contents of the bottle into the sink, but not before some of it spilled onto my fingers. I smelt it, bringing it closer and closer to my desperate tongue. I couldn’t do it. I was weak now but I wouldn’t dig my own grave. Not again.

I sat under the piercing heat of the shower water as each droplet penetrated the surface of my skin, turning it pink. I sat and I sat, until I feel asleep.

I woke up in my PJs. But I wasn’t my bed. I was in Mum and Dad’s bed with Mum’s encompassing arms slowing dragging me back into the world of my subconscious…




DAY 21: The Monday Blues


Dear Vodka

You know that saying that goes something like “don’t count your eggs before they hatch?” Well, I did just that! It’s just one drama after the other! I’m so frustrated…

I had a fantastic weekend at Aiden’s and a pleasant lunch at the Reeds. Roman finally decided to work with me and not against me. Gran got me a kitten (Lily) and Mum and I, at last, sorted things out. But I guess that man up there just can’t give me a rest! Or perhaps someone’s made an effigy of me and is doing some crazy voodoo shit! I mean seriously?! What did I do that was so bad to deserve this….I’m at a loss!

The day started off on an average note. Theo picked me up with Ellie for school. I hung out with her until the bell rang for the first period. Mr Nolan reminded us that our project is due in two weeks’ time. Mrs Humphrey, our Maths teacher gave us a spot test and then it happened; the thing that made everything go downhill…Let me make one thing straight before anyone’s judgemental honkers go off! Firstly, I am not a violent person. Secondly, I catch on nonsense but never at the expense of my reputation. And thirdly, I am NOT a liar or a cheater. I know that this is hearsay or whatever but it’s the truth. It’s my truth.

So, there we were writing our Math spot test and all of a sudden, Barbara (a.ka. Queen B), shrieked and pointed to the underside of my notebook. I immediately looked up in shock and then down at my book. It was a sheet of mathematical formulae and equations!!!

Okay, let’s just put things into perspective: I have no idea how that page got there but I suspect that Barbara slipped it onto my desk when no one was looking since she sits at the desk next to mine. And another thing is that, when I write, I rest my head on my hand, elbow on the table, while my right-hand writes, so I wouldn’t have seen her put it there because I was facing away from her. But you know how the story goes…no witnesses, no proof.

Mrs Humphrey completely freaked and sent me to the principal’s office immediately after shouting something about ‘dishonesty’ and ‘lack of integrity’ and ‘no respect for her subject,’ as I walked down the hallway to the office. She didn’t even give me a chance to defend myself before she instructed Barbara to accompany me there to make sure that I didn’t get “lost” along the way!

Of course, I was going to confront Barbara about it. After all, it could only be her. Who else would want me to get in trouble, or worse expelled? She just laughed and said “Oh well. You mess with me, you’ll get what you deserve.” I was obviously confused at that point as to what the bloody hell she was talking about because I’d never really interacted with her before now. When she noted the confusion on my face, she yanked on my hair and shoved me into the office door but not before I reacted unthinkingly by slapping her right cheek. Did it leave a mark? Yes. Did the principal exit his office in time to see that part? Why, of course. Did my mother get called in? Absolutely! And, dear Vodka, did I get suspended? Well, there’s no doubt about it!

Argh!!!! Just recounting the events infuriates me. Of course, Mum was furious and totally flabbergasted all at once but, in all fairness, I didn’t care at that moment. Barbara. I don’t even want her name in my book…

So, the result is that I’m suspended with no cell phone, no TV (even though I don’t care that much about it; it’s a load of consumerism and propaganda), no laptop and my Mum doesn’t want to speak to me. But at least it’s only in effect until Wednesday. Thank goodness for that because I cannot bear to not see the rustic blue doors to the entrance of our school and the overwhelming smell of bleach and floor polish, with the plethora of hormones and ubiquitous chatter. I know that the talk will be about me when I get back but, as the saying goes… “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

When Roman came over after school to start on the project, he said that Barbara and Aiden had a ‘thing’ and that he completely abandoned her when those terrible things started happening to him. According to Roman, Barbara was ‘a cool chick’ but now she’s simply obsessed with getting Aiden back (how cliché). I still couldn’t understand why she’d do something like that if hardly anyone knew about Aiden and mine’s friendship but then it clicked…Instagram! He probably still has her on there and to be honest, Aiden and the boys and I took loads of pictures on the weekend. That must’ve triggered it!

I just hope that my friends believe me and forgive me for reacting the way I did. Even I can’t excuse me slapping Barbara. I didn’t want to tell anyone that she called me ‘a lesbian slut.’ Frankly, I don’t even want to know how she came to that conclusion. I’ve put Lydia behind me; it’s in the past.

I’m seeing Sarah tomorrow…my therapist…I’m quite proud of how I’ve been dealing with the D&A (depression and anxiety) lately but I guess today’s events reminded me of how miserable I am and what a disappointment I can be. I know that it’s not true but that’s what depression does. I slipped two anti-depressants earlier. I shouldn’t have. I was making progress. I think I should use the landline to call Chloe. I really miss her…I need her ray of sunshine right now…



Day 20: Lunch with the reeds


Dear Vodka

I fell asleep soundly on Aiden’s bed and woke up with his feet in my face.

Yeah. We slept in the same bed!!

When I came to my senses, I jumped out of bed, causing Aiden to spring up and grab his lacrosse stick. He looked both startled and dazed. It was hilarious. I doubled over laughing. That was until he tackled me and once again, managed to throw me into the pool.

I seriously need to work on my defence techniques!

Speaking of defence techniques, Aiden and I did a quick session at the kickboxing centre, taking a much-welcomed swim afterwards. It was only about seven thirty but I needed to get to the bookstore. Today was my last day until I returned whenever. The morning move by swiftly and once Catherine took over from me, I felt relieved. I’d be just in time for lunch with Theo and Ellie’s family. Theo picked me up from the bookstore but I was in no mood to speak to him. What he did was horrible and if Aiden wasn’t as forgiving as he is, our friendship would have been ruined. Theo kept on apologising in the car but I simply turned up the volume on the radio and he shut his chat box.

Ellie was psyched to see me and so was I to see her. She took me on a tour of their house and she showed me her photography collection from all the years that she’s been studying photography. She’s on the yearbook committee as well, as the photographer obviously. She hopes to pursue a career in it and already has an internship at a local company.

Once lunch was over, I offered to clear the dishes and Theo helped me. Mr and Mrs Reed were attending a high tea and Ellie volunteered to photograph the event. Great! I dreaded the moment they left but I had to deal with it. Theo said nothing as we cleaned the dishes but I knew that he was dying to say something. I broke the ice with “want to play rock, paper, scissors?” We did one round and he won. It was time to spill. He apologised first and then explained why he had acted out. It wasn’t easy for me to forgive him but I asked for some time. He obliged. I felt slightly relieved that we’d at least gotten that out of the way. I wouldn’t want to lose Theo but he needs to know his limits.

Theo dropped me at home after our talk. Home sweet home. Everyone was watching a movie and Mum wanted to know about my weekend. I told her that I’d tell her some other time. All I wanted to do was stand under a hot shower, smothered in lavender-scented shower gel. I wanted to lie on my bed with Lava and Lily and fall asleep whilst the sunlight streaming in through my bedroom window played with the honey-coloured strands of my hair. And that’s exactly what I did!



Chloe Childs Pose

Hello again,  diary, slash journal slash failing social experiment.

I’ve been tardy with my recordings of late because I had exams and that’s more important when it takes all your time and energy. At least this year there is no boys taking my attention away.  I’ve aced the Piano exam. I managed to get lost in the music for the first time in forever and I’m not sure who was more shocked when it was over, my parents or my teacher. I wanted to say… Yeah, I’m able to play a symphony without making a single error now. But I wasn’t interested in bragging.

That horrible piece of my heart, Gabriel Rockerfeller has left back to New York.

Regret nothing they say but I regret the hell out of him if I’m honest. Aren’t I supposed to be too young for regrets? Well, no. Teenage girls are full of all kinds of regrets. Falling in love with the school hottie, having sex with him because he told me that he loved me and failing my entire school year! Well, yes. Regrets – I have a truckload.

Otherwise, I’m attending therapy twice a week like clockwork. I get gorgeous emails from Finn every few days. Mom and I are on speaking terms for a long while now. Dad can now finally look me in the eyes again and Jack and I are still good. Charlie?

I’m not sure what’s happening with Charlie anymore. I never see her. Sadly, she’s like my only friend but we never see each other. Ever. We text though. Just the usual ‘hows your day been?’ but her reply is always just ‘my day was manic!’ To be fair my usual response is normally, ‘my days was insane.’ If only Charlie knew just how insane some days are.

I’m looking to add some unusual skill to my repertoire. I’m not sure what yet. I’m mad about pottery. Mom and I took a few pottery classes earlier this year. That could be cool but I think one of those sculpting wheels would be expensive and with my treatments and the stays in the clinic this year, I think my parents aren’t in the position to invest in something so… permanent. Then looking through Pinterest I found calligraphy under hobbies and it seems to be the ‘it’ thing. Some people are managing to turn it into a small business. So, that could be cool. But would I have the time though?

Oh! Now, that I’m officially on holiday I’ve taken to reading moms’ Harry Potter collection. I started reading the Philosophers’ stone once but I must have got distracted because my leggy bookmark was in the book waiting for me, like an old friend. 🙂 Finn has been reading Harry Potter lately which is why I’m reading it. Damn it! Writing it down on paper makes me realise that I’m doing it again. I’m doing things because the boy in my life is doing them. Now, I’m doubting whether I even like Harry Potter books at all or do I like it because Finn likes it? This is awful. 😦

This is awful. 😦

Clean slates

I saw him. And he saw me.

Shock! A sharp intake of breath.

Dear diary, if you were an actual breathing human being on the other side of this stupid pen and paper what would you say? Would you tell me to just forget about him? Would you tell me that it gets better in the end? Would you tell me that someday I’ll wonder what I ever saw in him? And remind me that I have sweet, darling, Finn? Would you also tell me that first boyfriends have a reputation of being awful pigs?


I saw him. And he saw me.

Lungs burning. Eyes stinging. A complete exhale.

Would you believe that he just looked at me as they passed me by? Today. In the mall. While I was out with mum.

I accidentally steered mom in the direction of Burger King in my haste to avoid her seeing them too and she ACTUALLY thought I felt like a fucking burger!!! I don’t think I have any more tears left in my body because I’m crying and no tears seem to form. My head is thumping and my ribs ache. My throat is dry and scratchy. Still, no tears. I’m all tapped out.

I wish I had access to a time machine. Not to go back in time. I’d like to go forward. I want to know what happens the day I die. I want to know everything.

Am I old? Is it next week? I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly found myself at St Peter’s door next Wednesday. Would be easy that. To slip away into the darkness… but then I think about what gran has said again and again. I’ve put up on my bedroom mirror… scribbled it on the cover of every one of my school books…


I know it’s just something to try and convince me there is a future but if I’d succeeded in cutting my wrist last January I wouldn’t have been around to be in Germany. I would have missed out on meeting Finn and Finn is wonderful. Mum says there are many more Finns and Charlies’ out there in the world. Although, the ones I have are pretty amazing.

Exams are killer but they’ve been the focus of my last few weeks. I’ve read and reread all of Finn’s emails to me. He sends me the most gorgeous photos. He wants to be a professional photographer but I’ve seen his charcoal sketches and I think he’ll make an amazing whatever his beautiful soul wants him to be.

But that makes me wonder about what my own future holds and I don’t want to think about that too much. I’ve been working with my therapist and she’s been amazing. No drama. No condescension. Just support and non-judgement. And my parents, of course, they are both exhausting and understanding in equal measure. I’m told to put myself in their shoes in almost every session. I don’t complain about them anymore. I’m trying not to manipulate them. Trying not to lose my temper.

But sometimes… like with the whole burger thing… even I don’t have enough zen left.

To the only Chloe who matters

from: Finn Schmidt
to: Chloe Vollenhoven
date: 26 August 2017 at 00.12
subject: fwd, fwd, re:

Hi Chloe,

Oh my God! I finally saw that email you sent. I am sorry. We are still enjoying the last of our Summer vacations but that’s not your fault.

Where shall I begin? I’ve been away with my friends and your cousin to Spain. Boys only. This made me want to talk to you everyday. Once I imagined that you were talking to someone down at this little private beach but she wasn’t you. I felt dissapointed. Is that how you say it?? My English isn’t good.
Help me when I fail you.

How are your father and mother? I think about your last few emails all the day. I think I can hear your voice when I read them. This makes me smile.

How is my little friend Jack? Tell him I’ve got a few new collectable toys for him. You told me not to post it so I won’t. When I have saved up enough money for a ticket, I will visit you in person.

Did that make you smile Chloe? Did I make you smile? The beautiful smile that lifts at the corners of your mouth and makes your eyes close? How I wish to see you now.

Like I said before… I saw your email from that awful boy. I won’t say a bad word so that you will have to read it. I hate boys like him. He sounds like a selfish boy with no kindness in his heart. I can only assume from this that he is a handsome boy. Why else would a girl like you want to be with a boy like that?
Good for him if he has a girlfriend Chloe. She obviously does not know his true self yet. Feel sorry for her. Don’t feel jealousy. That boy doesn’t deserve you.

I am feeling rage. Is that right? I am feeling rage?
If you help me with my English I can get full points on my exams next semester.

Wish you would come to Germany to stay. It would be good to have you here all the time.

Talk soon.
Finn heart Chloe. Something like that. 😉


PS new music playlist as long as my (you know what) waiting for you in our special loscation.
PSS now I know I’ve made you smile, definitely.
PPSS I am smiling too. So hard my face hurts and I can’t stop.


Please send my best to your father, mother and Jack and your friend who works at the book store… Also starts with a C. I forget… I’m so bad with names.

xxx wish these were real xxx

G.R Email / Dearest Chloe

Dearest Chloe,
It’s been months since we last spoke and i must apologise for my behaviour. There is nothing i could do that would explain how i could have walked away from someone like you but i did.
It wasn’t me. You have to know that.
But I had to put you out of my head. There wasn’t a choice to be honest. No. To be honest of course I had a choice. But then i’m a Rockerfella heir and there’s nothing more to say about that. As much as I hate it.
I’m well. I’m enjoying New York city. It’s been overwhelming but i cope. School is completely different but there wasn’t much of a culture shock when my family is such a well known group here. So that’s strange.
If you wonder why i’ve not replied to any of your emails or why social media is a black hole i can only tell you that i deleted everything the day they put me on a plane out of there. Then of course i couldn’t see it. I wanted to be with you, but now i’m here in this life… you wouldn’t like it. This world i live in isn’t you. We’re too different you and i.
So here goes…
I’m only writing to tell you that i’ll be back in the area for my father’s birthday. So you might run into me and i don’t want to shock you in anyway. Anyway someone as pretty as you would have a string of guys already so perhaps you and well and truly over me by now.
Perhaps we’ll see one another but I doubt it.

Kindly, Gabrial.

PS. i’ll bringing my girlfriend along.